New Pics Up - Want To Know More?

Hey all,

I am on holiday break now and just spent over an hour putting three months worth of pics up. If you want know more about any particular picture, then please leave me a comment on the photo, and I'll get back to you with details. I just don't want to spend the time adding details to every single picture. I know that would make things easier, but it doesn't seem a chill or productive use of my time. Sorry! Hope you all are having a wonderful break too (for those of you who get the holiday break).

Love and hugs,

Amanda Kay :)

Visions from Him

Tonight I was reminded by new friends of the importance of writing down some visions I had last Sunday during the sermon. It is rare that I am given visions from God and these three were particularly special. So, I am blogging this so that I alone can remember them.

Vision 1 - I saw a gold ring being carefully held in a blazing fire like the scene in Lord of the Rings. I instantly knew that this ring was me and that the Lord was holding me in the fire. I was made of gold and had impurities dripping off of me. I remember knowing that they were ugly and that whatever qualities were being purged out of me needed to be gone though I cannot tell you more about what specifically was dripping off of me.

As I saw all of this I was reminded of Marvin's words to me that I am going through a "trial by fire." He has said this more than once to me. Also as I saw all of this, I was reminded of how things here in NYC haven't been easy, but somehow, though rough, I knew that just as the ring needed to be purified to be made more beautiful that I too needed to be purified and that whatever trials I go through will conform me to Jesus' image more and make me more lovely. I remember not feeling pain as I saw myself in the fire but joy and love knowing that all of these trials are to bring about completion and perfection and maturity within me (James 1).

Tonight when I shared this vision with Ray and Amy who are new friends and both very prophetic, Ray shared his take on the vision. He said that when he pictured the ring (he had an actual ring on that said "Beloved" which I was amazed at) that he saw it as God making me ready for greater intimacy with God, to be close to him as a ring is worn on a finger or as a right-hand man. I really liked this picture and it definitely has been the cry of my heart these two weeks to be intimate and passionate for Jesus. I see him hearing my prayers and being faithful.

Vision 2 - All I remember about this vision was that I saw Marvin and many others in what looked like a church service. I saw Marvin giving his life to Jesus and this excited me greatly. It is truly my prayer that he becomes my brother in Christ. May God use me to plant many, many fertile seeds in his life.

Vision 3 - I was reminded of the dream/vision I had about 10 years ago when still at New Hope. In that dream, my father became a Christian. I pray that it still comes to pass; he so needs Jesus.

Those are the visions I remember having, but I also remember thinking about my past week. This week and last my Church has been celebrating Advent, something I have only done as part of New Hope. It is exciting to celebrate it again. For about two weeks now, I have not felt God's presence or closeness much. When I first thought of this, it made me sad until I realized clearly that God was doing this to draw me into a deeper relationship with him. I know that He has not left me, but rather chosen to make me pine for him and mature during this time. It is exciting and humbling all at the same time.

Paradigm Shift/Metamorphosis

Current mood: quiet

Written Oct 12 - Nov 2, 2008:

You many want to call it something different, but I am in the midst of a paradigm shift. It seems that lately my brain and heart are always so full, that my cup is on the verge of spilling out or rather plunging forth. The dilemma still remains within, and it is extremely pressing and taxing on multiple levels, of who am I going to be and am I going to be okay with the new me? The latter, being okay with the new me, is definitely the more troublesome battle.

New York City is HOME, yet it and its way of life come at me like an unrelenting adversary picking at my every weakness in attempts to topple and behead me. Living here these mere six weeks has already exposed me to so many things on a very personal level that at times are extremely uncomfortable, emotionally draining, and culturally revealing. The best way I know of putting it now is that I often feel that I am in the midst of a mammoth wave trying to surf but can only occasionally master staying above water as the surging tide continues to ripple over, under, and past me. At times, life here also compels helplessness and hopelessness to come forth drawing me into a dismal existence and state of mind.

One of the things I am struggling with is, simply put, expanding exponentially with no end in sight my comfort zone. In a way, this expansion of self is an answer to a nearly nine-month old prayer. I think I needed to ask that prayer months ago, but it is decidedly different to be on the receiving end of such prayer now; it is like studying Chinese culture versus living in China long-term. Sometimes, intellectual knowledge just doesn't cut it without experiential knowledge. I feel such is now. This expansion is also having the peculiar effect of making me feel lonely and mournful as I realize that the old me is definitely dying.

In these six weeks one new entry into my comfort zone has been gay culture. Before I moved here, I knew NYC had a major homosexual population and presence, but even still, I didn't expect it to penetrate my life so quickly. Many of my new friends and acquaintances are gay, and I see that trend likely continuing. This is okay but will take some getting used to; life in the Bible Belt doesn't prepare you well for this I'd say. Do I want gay culture to go away? My answer is "no," but I realize that it is very uncomfortable for me to be near guys expressing homo-affection. I must not continue to turn my head though.

By far, the greatest effect of NYC upon me is the draining effect. I have been emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally drained in a steady intensity during this time. My experience trying to get a pay check and reciprocity with DOE have by far been the hardest (actually frustrating, depressing, and angry describe it more accurately) followed closely by continually being highly disrespected by most of my students. I am often treated like crap here. Naturally, I have cried and cried to the point that twice now I've simply been physically exhausted from crying. Mentally my head is pretty much always forced to take in new information and experiences daily which leaves me feeling mentally overloaded. To some degree, that is to be expected because our brains don't just sit on new info, but just imagine everything you saw, experienced, smelt, and heard being NEW info for your brain to process. Such is life for me now in NYC for the most part.

Like it or not, each of us goes into our experiences with a prior cultural background. My roughly two months here has been extremely culturally revealing. In comparison to NYC, my life elsewhere was extremely sheltered. Now the world and pretty much anything and everything are before me. At times, I feel completely ignorant and feel as though that is glaringly obvious for those with me at the time.

Here in NYC, I stand out with my accent, my worldview, my color and race, and my clothing choice, just to name a few. I am definitely not fully acculturized to inner city living or teaching, and I know that my "country-ness" is already a hindrance in more than one way. At other times, it simply shocks my inner city acclimated friends. For instance, about two weeks ago, I was walking down the street after seeing a play on incest, homosexuality, and life in NYC. My path happened across a guy smoking pot on the sidewalk. Now my friends and I were engaged in conversation, but the instant I walked by the guy, I had such difficulty not laughing and focusing on our conversation. My friends were shocked when I told that that was the first time I'd ever seen with my own eyes someone smoking pot and how shocked I was that the guy looked at me with such a willingness to share his weed if only I'd have asked for it. My friends simply could not believe that I was 28 seeing someone smoke pot on the street for the first time!

Part of living in NYC teaches me new words like "violate," "shife," "fiend," "hot mess," and "beastin." Funny enough I used one of those words last week, and it came out naturally much to the amusement of my friend Marvin. I will have to learn so much more. I am honestly at the point where I don't know who I am becoming. I just know that I'm already not the same Amanda that I left Florida as. I am challenged by my job and Marvin to become less passive, to stand up for myself and call kids out even if it embarrasses them and/or demeans them, and to examine my views and change at least some of my ideals, priorities, and standards.

For me this last part really came to the forefront about three weeks ago when I had a conversation with Marvin. As Marvin talked I couldn't help but think of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 about being all things to all kinds of people for the Gospel and salvation's sake. Lately that has been coupled with verses nine through twenty-one of Romans 12. I feel very challenged by God to love, stay/be zealous especially spiritually, be joyful, patient, prayerful, and forgiving no matter how I am treated. I can honestly say that forgiveness at work has been particularly difficult. Sometimes, I feel like God has failed me here and wonder what He's trying to teach me through these trials and however long I live in NYC. It is so completely wrong of me to think that of God; forgive me Lord. I really need to be so much more thankful for all that God has done for me here and to persevere knowing that He is always faithful and has only good in store for me.

So, I have walked through that door that God gave me. I have entered by faith believing that He wanted me to go through but not knowing what lay on the other side. I have begun relationships with those I knew awaited for me though I could not see them clearly. And now, the challenge to remain here on this mission field and shine His light continue to guide my persevering steps day by day through these fiery, life-altering trials. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people in low position. Do not think you are superior. (Romans 12:11-12, 16)

Real blog coming soon ...

Current mood: exhausted

Currently overworked and exhausted here in Brooklyn, but just wanted to say that as soon as I am able, I will be posting a really long blog update on life in NYC since Day 23. Hasn't been that positive though just as a forewarning. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE keep me and my job in your prayers; prayers are so needed! Well, I must go to attempt to finish my lesson plans for work now.

BIG hugs and love - Amanda Kay

All things NYC (aka my first 23 days here)

Current mood: bouncy

I know many of you have been wondering how life up here in New York City is for me. So, now I'll answer my friend Miki's question, "What's it like there?"

New York City is fast-paced, enormous, diverse in virtually every possible way, God-filled, my newest mission field, filled with cement, lacking in trees, the location of one of my dream schools that I'm teaching at currently, where I ride the subway and buses for usually two hours a day, and changing me spiritually to become more conformed to the image of Jesus. Nearly all NYers are extremely knowledgeable about their city and can help you navigate on the spot; funny enough, I've had the opportunity to guide others at times too though I'm a NY newbie. J Well, by now I've been here just over three weeks, so here's the run down of what's been going down …

The first stop after I maneuvered my way out of the bus terminal (it's four floors and connects with the street, subway, buses, and something else - took me 30 mins to get out cause I didn't know the way and had a heavy bag) was Times Square Church. God laid it on my heart to go there first and ask for help with a place to stay. They and God provided the hookup with a place to stow my bag for a few hours, a cheap hostel for my first four nights, and led me to my permanent home (at least till October) with a Christian family. I never would have found this great family and home without the help of Times Square Church. I hope to go back there soon for a service. I did get a chance to join them and many more folks for a big prayer service on 9/7. (You can check it out at http://www.nycprayer.org/)

As for where I've lived, well, first stop was in a hostel in Harlem (Manhattan borough) very close to the area where I wanted to live prior to moving to NYC. I enjoyed the four days I stayed there. While there, I got to meet people from all over the world. Particularly, I met Steffi from Germany and Paul from France/Germany. They were very, VERY cool to talk with. I hope that we'll stay in touch.

After that I moved to a room in a house in East New York (Brooklyn borough). The house is in a very lovely neighborhood and has porch upstairs that adjoins my room. The house is owned by Emily and Greg Dubois, the Christian couple. They are extremely generous to me and very, very kind. They've fed me two meals and helped move my heavy bag here as well as walked me back to the subway. Emily is from Belize and Greg from nearby New Jersey. They are probably in their fifties. They live on the first floor. A pastor from India named Sukumar also lives downstairs; he is not here much because of all the ministries he's very involved with. The house also has a cellar (like a basement but not one because of a technicality with the windows' heights).

As for upstairs, there are three bedrooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom. (There is also a kitchen on Greg and Emily's floor.) The room next to the bathroom is lived in by Justin. He is maybe in his 50-60's. He works at a hotel, and we've only interacted a few times so far. He seems to be quiet and keep to himself but has been generous to share two meals with me so far. For now, no one lives in the middle room which is next to mine. My room is large and has a very lovely porch with plants and shade that overlooks Elton Street. Many of my neighbors are dark-skinned. I think a Christian lady lives across the street. In any case, it is a very peaceful neighborhood and my rent and utilities are EXTREMELY cheap for NYC. I found the room via a Christian website that Times Square Church told me about. The house is near JFK airport which for many is too far out to rent, but to me, it is a definite God-send! It is easy to get here via subway which I am navigating better and better.

Concerning work, the school that I interviewed with in June and then never heard back from after July hired me on 9/28, the day teachers first went back to work up here. I am now teaching music to middle school students at the Urban Assembly School for the Urban Environment in Brooklyn. The students are troubled teens from a rough neighborhood with massive projects. I am their first ever music teacher. The school is a lot like the former Jackson Academy with rotating schedules. They go into the community extremely often to do service learning or have field trips. That means that I not only get to help make NYC better, but I get to see more of it too! Getting things ready in my classroom, finalizing all of the paperwork stuff, and creating a music curriculum has been extremely draining, but I TRULY wouldn't want to teach anywhere else! This is a big reason why I came to NYC. I am definitely going to need to be covered in prayer this year and don't see myself teaching anywhere else for several years while I also work on attaining a master's degree. And, who would want to leave the most supportive and united staff ever (from administration all the way down)?

So, if you've read all of this you'd probably like to know some of the places that I've been. Well, in my first two weeks, I made it to Manhattan, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens, and Long Island which only leaves Staten Island for me to hit all of the boroughs of NYC. I got to take in an amazing concert within my first week that featured Roberta Flack, Boris Grebenshikov (a Russian guitar star who ROCKED!), Samir Chatterjee (Indian superstar drummer), Kristin Hoffmann (famous NYC pianist), and several other stunning vocal groups. I've enjoyed impromptu subway performances with my favorite being a group of guys performing Michael Jackson! HAH! And, I really enjoyed finally getting to chill at little art gallery (aka The Salt Gallery) to see photographs up close taken by Esther Havens, a favorite and stunning photographer of mine! This week I also joined a 9/11 Memorial service which gave me a better NYer perspective. Today, I am very excited about taking in some baseball at Shea Stadium and next week my long-awaited game at Yankee Stadium.

Well lastly, I want to share how NYC is affecting me spiritually. I can see that He is here in so many ways and leading me to become more like Him. I was encouraged a few days ago when I walked past a store and saw part of Proverbs 31 on a plate; as I read, I realized that God is making me into that woman and that it is truly Him that is conforming me more into His image. Living here challenges me every day practically to be more giving, more forgiving, and less selfish. It also challenges me to simply depend on God for EVERYTHING! I know that it is the Lord that has sent me here, put amazing people into my life, provided a job and supportive co-workers, and let me be "adopted" by so many New Yorkers. I am excited that NYC is all a part of being conformed to His image and happy at seeing the Lord move me from glory to glory for HIS glory! :) Please keep me in your prayers for THEY ARE EFFECTIVE AND DESPERATELY NEEDED. THANK YOU.

-- all my love and great big bear hugs, Amanda Kay :)

My Long-awaited Cheesy Blog

I know this is cheesy to post, but I've been waiting for a while to do this. I FINALLY HAVE 1,000 MYSPACE VIEWS! It took a little less than a year! Hoorah

Current Way of Life Philosophy

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling in God in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:14

Just putting this out there because it's been on my mind for about two weeks now. Within this time frame, I've been trying to live each day to the fullest with no regrets as if it were my last day here on Earth. I'm not trying to be morbid; I just think that we'd really LIVE more if we knew it actually were our last day with breath in our bones. That mindset has been inspiring me to overlook seeming wrongs, to love more, and to give more of myself to others in little things like doing laundry for my sis and choosing to spend time with my daddy rather than a friend I haven't seen in months.

I want to give each day my all and give my Savior my all too. I like Paul am not perfect but like the Scripture above says I am pressing on past failures and my own humanity to pursue all that God has called me to do. It doesn't mean life will always be good or easy either. Right now, it's a little hard to not be sad about leaving so many of my friends here and my students that I truly love; yet, I must leave to pursue Jesus' will for me in New York City in a little over a week.

I'm not trying to put any down either; I actually hope that those that read this will be inspired to really consider what is important in life and to pursue whatever that is for them with an all-consuming passion. So, I'll close with how the Romans put it long ago - Carpe diem - SEIZE THE DAY!

A Day of Lasts

“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 2:4-5

Today has been my hardest day in Haiti as I know it is my last full day here. I’ve had to fight since the morning to not be sad (which would make me ineffective) but to put my all into today to live with no regrets. I think I am also tiredest today as if I can’t awake.

This morning we had breakfast with the team from South Florida before departing for our last day of VBS at the orphanage. On the ride to Desourcee I noticed the way the culture dresses here. I also noticed the architecture predominant here in Haiti. Though both are different from the US, I continue to feel at home rather than in a foreign country.

Our time for VBS was unusually rowdy. We taught in one big group with about 70 to 100 folks. Today we talked about forgiveness. I shared the story of Luke 15 and was a sheep in a skit. I also got to help pass out craft materials and later food and drinks. Sadly today, I saw greed in Haitians for the first time. It tempted me greatly to get super frustrated, but I walked away and cried out to Jesus. This encounter truly was my saddest point on the trip.

This afternoon I continued to teach Abigail how to play “Jesus Loves Me” on the guitar. She is remarkable on it! She will only improve though she is exceptional for only two days of playing! :) I also played with other children like Dorlie, got my hair styled by Cynthia (age 15), and talked with Marie. Marie would like me to return as would I. :) There were also times when I was able to help with the construction. The guys really accomplished so much upstairs construction-wise today!

Finally around 5 PM, we left the drive back to Demaus and the guest house. Many on my team were sad to leave. :( We arrived back much later than usual to be greeted by Junior and Levi. It was so GOOD to see them again! Then, we had a wonderful dinner --- rice with peppers, BBQ chicken, corn casserole, split pea soup, spicy salsa with meat, and Haitian sauce. The food was delicious as usual! :)

Tonight after supper I spent time with my teammates talking and interacting. I think my deepest relationships on this trip have been with the adults (Rochelle, Bill, Brian, David) and Jicole and Brad. Drew has also been particularly kind and interactive with me. Lord, thank you for my team and for these budding relationships.

Overall, I am sad to leave Haiti. I hope to return again. :) I am thankful to be changed from this time here and to simply have this experience. My prayers will continue to be with Haiti and its rich people. Thank you Lord for Haiti! May Your light shine brightly here and lead evermore to Your salvation. :)

VBS Bible Verse For the Day:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

“Okontrè, se pou nou aji byen yonn ak lòt, se pou nou gen bon kè yonn pou lòt, pou nou yonn padonnen lòt, menm jan Bondye te padonnen nou nan Kris la.” Efèz 4:32 (Creole)

Dinner in Haiti

Dinner tonight was delightful! We had beans and rice, mixed veggies, beef (like jerky), a sweet fruit dish, and spicy sauce. Prior to dinner Drew and I had a shared music time. We sang together as I played my guitar. Then, he shared his iPod with me, and we listened to Secondhand Serenade. They remind me so much of Miki and his songs so much so that I couldn’t help but laugh as I heard them. It was really very, very nice of Drew to share and spend time with me! :)

Just as dinner was about to start a group of Spanish-speaking Ft. Lauderdalers arrived. (We actually saw them earlier while driving.) We all enjoyed our delightful dinner and cake before we planned for tomorrow. It will be our last day at the orphanage. :( I will be in a skit, help with music, and tell the Bible story tomorrow. Afterwards, one of the girls said she would do my hair. We are also planning on giving some kids bracelets we made tonight. It was a lot of fun.

Well, everyone else in my room is sleeping, so I should to. Good night.

Haitian Church

An abundance of voices singing together abounding full-force from their hearts. Dancing to a rhythmic pulse. Love, friendliness, and openness to others. This is the Haitian Church.

Today I was very privileged to sing with, pray with, dance with, and worship with Haitian brothers and sisters in Christ. I truly loved it! :) Many other things also happened during the service including all of us on the team except for Bill sharing either an encouraging verse or story. I shared how the Haitian people are personally inspiring and rich and about Solomon (Ecclesiastes 12:13). I also spoke on loving God and others and being obedient.

After everything finished up, Sterline left my lap (she mostly slept on it) and two ladies thanked me. Then, we had a wonderful lunch - fried chicken, fried plantains, fried sweet potatoes, Haitian hushpuppies, fried cabbage rolls, and soda. Praise God for His many blessings and the pure joy to be with his people! :)

Reflective Vignettes of Haiti

How can I possibly begin to put down into words what I have seen and experienced today? It seems so hard since I have traveled into Port au Prince more today and since I have been incredibly reflective today. I will simply try to gather my thoughts into short stories rather than ponder on end about my day.

⓵ This morning shortly before I awoke God gave me a vision. He showed me someone who was kidnapped here in Haiti being rescued and set free. I did not see a face but know this was what was happening. This vision seemed to last 10 seconds but was profound.

In reality, kidnapping happens in Haiti all the time. People here are very hungry, many are out of work, and few are literate. Though wrong, kidnapping is a way of survival when it provides ransom money for dinner. For me personally, I know that I needed to share the vision with my team so that we would pray. Just as many people need to be rescued physically, the need to be rescued spiritually abounds. There is much darkness globally.

⓶ One of our teammates is named Bill. He has been down here many times. Just this past Saturday, a very close Haitian friend, who is a pastor-evangelist here, died of liver problems. He leaves behind a wife, eight kids, and a ninth born yesterday who was born prematurely and died shortly afterwards. His youngest, Bill was told, wouldn’t have died had the hospital simply been equipped with the tools to help premies. This too is common in Haiti. :(

⓷ While riding in our bus today, I realized that I didn’t feel like I was in a foreign country. I actually felt very much at home despite this probably being the most dangerous place I’ve been to YET. That feeling of “home” stayed with me throughout the day. I could see myself living here long-term, and that makes me feel good.

The other effect of being “at home” in Haiti is that it all the more verifies my identity in Christ. Simply put, today I was reminded that God has called me to GO and share His Gospel as a missionary particularly in places like Haiti, the dangerous, dirty, run-down places. I am not made for America, but for however long God places me there I will continue to be His missionary.

Today I am assured that if I should ever be given the truly wonderful gift of a husband that I can settle for nothing less than a Christian gentleman who is deeply called to missions. I do not think I could be content or obedient otherwise. So husband, wherever you are, know that I prayed for you today.

⓸ Americans are so selfish. Many think of nothing more than themselves and their family. What is up with that narcism? I think a lot of it stems from ignorance and sin.

Here in Haiti if people have food they share it with their family (which are usually very large say 8-10 people) and their neighbors. Haitians that are in America work not only for themselves but also to send money back to folks here. And those that have made it really big such as Wyclef Jean do even more. He has set up Yele Haiti Foundation which helps his home country.

Personally, I was very challenged to continue to be unmaterialistic and to continue to give to others. I must also help to share my stories and continue to travel and learn so as not to be ignorant. Above all, I must continue to share the Gospel so that light can shine into hearts filled with sin.

⓹ Haitians are inspirational people. They have joy and contentment with few material possessions. They share food and money with family and neighbors. They smile and are happy. To me, they are an incredibly rich people because they have learned to find contentment not in stuff but in helping others, sharing, and living simply.

Acceptance And Graciousness In A Field Of Poo

This morning we arose early to have brekky with the two departing groups also staying here. Then, we took our roughly 45-minute drive to Desourcee (the village). The kids were excited again to see us. I enjoy being here and with them very much.

Our VBS drew a smaller crowed than expected, roughly 110. We talked today about obedience. Jonah was our focus story from the Bible. Toward the end, I got to share the Gospel again verbally. God has chosen me for that at least these first two times. It is an awesome honor. I pray that many seeds were planted in people’s hearts. The children were more receptive to me at the VBS and orphanage as well. They seem to be drawn to the folks with blond hair; I have red. I have tried to no let it upset me but simply be open and let the children come to me. I will continue to simply be friendly to them.

Today Little Daniel and Sterline chose to be with me. I enjoyed loving them. Francessca and her mom chose me also. Francessca recently had a hole in her heart operated on. I was amused that her mom lovingly walked up to me, gave me a kiss, and immediately placed her daughter in my arms. The people are tremendously open and loving here. They are much more close knit than American families and really take care of everybody.

Today I also got to help with the construction up stairs. It was very nice! The guys accomplished so much today. Walls and closet shelves and door frames are now up thanks to their hard work and God’s grace. I also played soccer. It was the funniest thing playing on a field with lots of cow, goat, and sheep poo. My team didn’t win, but it was very fun. The Haitians were really gracious soccer players.

I am thankful that today was incredibly blustery. It kept us very cool all day! It also helped me not to get so sick on the ride back. When we got back, I had a very nice shower. It felt good to wash my incredibly wind-matted hair. :) I have also gotten to know Jicole, Brad, and Rochelle a little better tonight. I am thankful; I really had it on my heart to spend time with Brad and Jicole so that our friendship could grow. They are such a loving, young couple. I can tell that it really comes from their hearts!

Well, I am tired now. Tomorrow we are going to the mountains and doing some shopping. Praise God for this trip and His mercies to help me many times today to put down jealousy, pride, and selfishness so that I might humbly serve Him.

Things I appreciate more: grass, clean water, animals, safe roads that are clearly marked with line on them, cool breezes, fresh air, friends, and joy.

VBS Bible Verse For the Day:
“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.” 1 Peter 2:13

“Soumèt devan tout otorite lèzòm etabli. Fè sa pou Bondye. Soumèt devan wa a, paske se li ki pi gwo chèf.” 1 Piè 2:13 (Creole)

The village and orphanage in Desourcee

Today seems like such a long but wonderful day. :) We awoke early to scramble for breakfast. I went down but did not have breakfast; prior to this trip I decided to fast this morning’s meal. It was a little hard as the food, especially the pineapple, looked incredibly delicious. I pressed on through though knowing that this sacrifice would please Jesus and was needed spiritually speaking. I spent my time praying and reading the Word! It was great!

We drove out to the village of Desourcee and orphanage. Marie was incredibly gracious and gave us a tour immediately. Then we sang with the kids. I don’t really know what I sang , but I enjoyed it immensely! :) Afterwards we introduced ourselves and broke into teams with Junior’s help.

Praise God for wisdom. Tommy and I had to work through some mishaps, and it all went smoothly. Today, I led music in my group. I prayed last night and asked for God’s help and was given the song “Jesus Loves Me.” That is what I helped teach the kids today. (BTW, there were 100-200 people at our VBS today.) At the end, I got to verbally share the Gospel. It was awesome! I am so grateful to able able to share about Jesus. :)

Next came lunch. We passed out half a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of gatorade. That was the entire meal, and we nearly ran out with so many folks coming in. I felt a little bad when I got to eat because we had so much more. (We ate after all but the orphans left.) Americans truly eat a lot!!!

I’m not really sure what was going on after all that. Some played cards; others colored. I ended up talking with teammates and Marie for a while. Towards the end I looked at the book with two Haitian orphans. I learned more French and used what little I already knew. French is really alluring and beautiful.

During the afternoon we also took a tour of the village. We saw homes, some animals, farms, and a clinic. It was all so rustic. I never would have known it was a village if we hadn’t gone there. It simply didn’t look like much. Yet, this is HOME to many people.

The drive back, lack of fresh air and breakfast, and my seat on the bus had me very close to the edge of car sickness. I just kept praying and mostly kept my eyes closed to not get more sick. When we got back I drank water and sat in the cool for a while. Having dinner soon after really helped. It was delicious by the way and included rice with peppers, curried fish (my favorite tonight), mashed potatoes, a veggie casserole, and the most wonderful carrots with tomatoes that I’ve ever had in my life.

Tonight after dinner I got to talk with some of my teammates. It was very enjoyable. I really have a great team. Tomorrow we teach the VBS again. I will review yesterday’s lesson and possibly help lead “Jesus Loves Me.” I look forward to it!

Things I appreciate more: non-bumpy, paved, orderly roads; three meals; American-size portions; being in Haiti; Brian getting to arrive tonight; water/gatorade; cool weather; and naps.

VBS Bible Verse For the Day:
"Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach." Proverbs 22:17

"Louvri zòrèy ou, koute pawòl moun ki gen bon konprann yo. Chache konprann sa m’ap moutre ou la a.” Pwovèb 22:17 (Creole)

Welcome to Haiti!

Yesterday I left for Haiti. I know that God is on this journey with me. Yesterday morning on my way to pick up meds for the trip a semi nearly killed me; I believe I surely would have died if I would have been driving my car instead of mom’s. Praise God for my life and His daily mercy.

I met my group after packing for nearly the entire day. We left a little late and drove all night to Ft. Lauderdale to fly out this morning. It was really enjoyable to see my teammates and get to know them more through conversation. I ended up riding in both vans, so I got to spend time with all the teammates who rode down.

Now we are awaiting all of our bags at the airport and down one teammate who forgot his passport. Brian will join us soon once he gets his passport expedited to him in the mail. The ones who’ve been before said it took three hours to get their bags last year! It’s due to the lack of infrastructure. Today, it only took half that time. :)

Haiti is beautiful! It reminds me of China. It looks similar ---- the houses, the walls, the trash and people abounding in or near the streets. The walls are filled with colorful slogans/ads, and some of the trucks are even more colorful. I really like to see them! :)

Here at our home, a guest house run jointly by the Florida Baptist Convention and their Haitian counterpart, we have had two wonderful meals. Lunch was a double decker turkey and cheese sandwich while dinner was more elaborate. For dinner we had fried plantains, beans and rice, homemade pasta, pork, Haitian spicy gravy sauce, and a salad with a real kick. It was all so delightful that I wished I had two stomachs so I could eat more of it! A neat fact, today I found out that they eat cat here. We might try it. (I would like to eat it again as I had it in China.)

I am really enjoying my time with my team! :) We have had fun talking pictures, playing Bob (a card game), and making sandwiches to feed 100-200 kids tomorrow. What a blessing to be here!!! Tomorrow is our first day of VBS and construction. I will get to share verbally the Gospel. May the Lord be honored in what I say that His seeds may be planted and that He may be GLORIFIED!

These are the things I appreciate more already: three meals a day if I want them, electrical power that says on continuously, water, fans/AC when it’s hot, orderly airports, God’s grace to me here and protection, and civil peace rather than war and infrastructure problems.

GRACE - a really powerful read!

I am not perfect, and I hope that others don't see me that way. At times, I've felt like others truly perceived me as a goody-goody or holier-than-thou person, someone totally unrelatable and/or unapproachable. I won't get into those details; I'll just say that's those perceptions of me are false. I am human and have my daily battles against sin just like every other mortal.

So, this weekend while enjoying Panama City Beach, I continued to read Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. Really, it was a continued attempt to put down lust in my heart, mind, and actions. What I ran across in my reading was surprisingly perhaps the most powerful, straighforward description of grace I've ever read. May it touch you as it did me ...

We have said that grace is the power of God coming to us, as a free gift from Him, to help us do with ease what we cannot do ourselves. God wants to give us grace, and Satan wants to give us disgrace, which is another word for reproach.

And the Lord said to Joshua, "This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you." So the name of the place is called Gilgal [rolling] to this day. - Joshua 5:9

The word reproach means "blame ... disgrace: shame." When God said that He would "roll away" the reproach of Egypt from the Israelites, He was making a point. Egypt represents the world. After a few years of being in the world and becoming worldly, we ALL need the reproach of it rolled away.

God's rolling away the reproach from us means that each of us must receive for ourselves the forgiveness He is offering for all our past sins. You must realize that you can never deserve God's blessings --- you can never be worthy of them. You can only humbly accept and appreciate them, and be in awe of how good He is and how much He loves you. Your mind must be renewed concerning right standing with God through Jesus --- and not through your own works. I know I don't deserve God's blessings, but I receive them anyway because I am a joint-heir with Chrit. (Romans 8:17) He earned them, and I get them by placing my faith in Him.

God is willing to give you mercy for your failures if you are willing to receive it. He does not reward the perfect who have no flaws and never make mistakes, but those who put their faith and trust in Him. (Hebrews 11:6) Whatever we do for God should be because we love Him, not because we are trying to get something from Him. Naturally, we should do what we can to live holy lives. But thank God, when we do make mistakes, we can be forgiven and restored to holiness, made once again blameless and above reproach --- all "in Him."

If you desire to have a victorious, powerful, positive life, you cannot be negative about yourself. Don't look only at how far you have to go, but at how far you have come. Consider your progress and remember Philippians 1:6, ... I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

Message from a grateful heart

Today I was really touched by God's love and mercies toward me. Lately, I can't help but be so grateful for little simple things like beautiful sunsets and amazing expanses of stars up above. I look at them and am just filled with an awe that my Lord would give me those gifts simply out of His love for me.

Today another thought went through my head. If I had had the summer I desired, then I would be traveling around Africa spending my time meeting my penpals there, enjoying every moment of ministry in a refugee camp in Uganda, teaching orphans in Ghana, and shadowing the caretakers of AIDS victims in South Africa. Instead, I am here in America and daily given opportunities to be with friends and family before moving to New York City for several years. It is amazing all of the relationships that have been positively impacted this summer because I am here instead of Africa.

My point in writing all of this is partially to simply express my gratitude and joy for what Jesus has been giving me lately. Yet, I also write to inspire all who read to seach for that which is good in what God has given them. I know things can seem pretty crummy at times, but I also deeply know that whatever is bad in man's eyes - if it is given from the Lord - then, it is being misjudged since He only gives us what He deems good.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:8, 9

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. - James 1:17

Wedding Vision – Parts I & II

Rarely do I have actual visions from God, but about two weeks ago I had a fleeting but penetrating vision. Two days afterward, I was given a continuation of that vision. There is more yet to come, but for now I simply must wait and live out what I was shown. What follows are parts one and two of what I have entitled The Wedding Vision.

Part I – I am dressed in a costly, satin wedding gown with a somewhat intricate shiny beading. I am hand-in-hand with my husband-to-be, and we are walking down the aisle to be married. Our walk is short and leads us down to an elevated platform for all to see us be married. It is only when we arrive at the platform that I realize who my groom is. I realize that he is Jesus. I remember looking at my ring and the elation and warmth that I feel throughout this vision.

(The day after I had the above vision, I read the following story from the book Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge. It immediately brought back to mind Part I of the vision, so I include it here for you to read.) The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.

He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward the groom. She never held His hand. She never introduced the guests to Him. She operated independently of Him. … Unfortunately, this dream illustrates exactly what is happening between God and millions of His people. He betroths Himself to us, we take His name (as "Christians"), and then we go about our lives looking for love, attention, and affection from every source under the sun except from the Son of God, the Lover of our souls.

Oh, how Jesus longs for His own to acknowledge Him, to introduce Him to our friends, to withdraw to be alone with Him, to cling to Him for our identity, to gaze longingly into His eyes, to love Him with all our heart and soul.

What about you? Do you have this kind of love relationship with Christ? Do you experience the inexplicable joy of intimacy with the One who loves you with a passion far deeper, far greater than anything you could find here on earth? I know from experience that you can.

Part II ­– It was late at night, and I sat reading in a corner of a lake house. I kept sensing a person about to come out from around the corner to watch over me and make sure that I was okay. This occurred more than once. I literally watched my daddy sleeping then too, and then the vision began.

I saw myself some time in the future. I knew that I was married in my vision. I was asleep in bed. Then, I saw my loving and strong husband come into the room. I continued to sleep unaware of his presence.

My husband was gentle and very compassionate. He came and made sure that I was perfectly fine and safe. He came simply to watch over me though I was clueless as to his care for me at that time and never once awoke. He kissed me and stayed for a time. After staying for a while, he left again. Yet, he returned time and time again to watch over me, love me, and kiss me.

After this second vision, I immediately thought of how God is always watching me. It made me think of him never sleeping and always protecting me from harm. This vision was filled with the same warmth and love as the first one. It made me long for a husband that will truly be like Jesus and like the husband in the vision.

Food and Games Night - SAT 6/28

Hey all,

If you are in the Marianna area and would like to join Jessica and I for a night of food and board/DVD games, give me a call to RSVP and get directions to her home. We aren't sure what will be for dinner, but we'll eat prolly around 7 PM. Board games start when folks arrive.

Hope you join us for fun times,

Amanda Kay

What I thought about on my walk in the woods and by the river today

Wow! I had a lovely walk by the river today trying to find the end of a path in the shady woods. (Alas, I didn't after nearly an hour.) As I walked I thought about life and, in particular, this past year. I am glad that my walk wasn't just muddled by all sorts of thoughts but was intermingled by brief pauses to take in God's glorious natural wonders enveloping me in near silence.

Professionally, this year was one of most jam-packed. It didn't slow down from March 2007 on. I returned from a trip in Asia to lots of tutoring and a little bit of music instruction. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach about 200 kids this year from age three to nearly 22. I am also thankful to get to impact many more students this year directly because of the tutoring. I feel like I grew a lot this year as a teacher. It was definitely a new and pleasurable experience to RETURN to a school to teach a second, consecutive year! I am really going to miss my kids at both schools as I go to New York City to teach this fall.

Personally ... where do I begin. I think that this has probably been the loneliest year of my life. I have seen dearly beloved friends come and go. I had a close friend die even. Thankfully two friends that cut me completely off are now speaking to me and wanting to be a part of my life again. Along the way, I have had to learn many hard lessons and seen long-standing dreams be both shattered and begin to come to pass all in roughly a year's time. I have spent a great deal of time being remolded into a more loving, open, non-judgmental person as well. LOVE ... what a necessity and amazing quality to have put within oneself. WOW!

Emotionally, I have had it hard as well. My friend Miki says that I have "sensitive hands" meaning that I am bothered by little things that others don't even pick up on. I really care a lot for people and probably hurt more for them when they are hurting than they actually hurt. I've cried so much this past year out of that sensitivity for others. It is difficult to explain, but it is the real me; I am not faking my care for others.

As I think upon things now, I am reminded that I think deeply so often. That makes letting go very hard at times. Honestly, I have already lived an amazing life and look forward to the next part of the journey as I head to live in New York City for at least a year. You guys are all invited any time you want to come up and hang out. It gets lonely sometimes to go on all these adventures though and have no one to share the joy of the adventure with. Lonely ... that describes how I felt today more than once ... and thus I close still feeling a bit lonely.

A Catchy Saying I Just Made Up or So I Think ...

Saying something well with exactly the right word is well worth saying or not worth saying at all.

A Solemn Inspiration

Yesterday I visited a friend in the hospital to say goodbye to her (I didn't think she'd live through the weekend) and to also thank her for inspiring example. It is hard for me to write this, just as it was hard to see her, and again the tears roll from my eyes down my freckled cheeks. I press on though ...

I met my friend JoJo a year ago at school and have had joy to teach her son and nephew at the two schools where I teach music. Miss JoJo was probably only in her mid 40s. She had such a joyful and encouraging spirit; I think she might have been the most consistently joyful person I've ever met in my life. She LOVED ... God, people, and life just to name a few. When I needed someone to pray for me, I'd go to her and she'd pray right there with me. She'd give me hugs in the morning and make sure I was doing okay or encourage me to be that way if I was down.

I cannot help but cry now knowing that I have lost an INCREDIBLY dear friend and kindred spirit. She loved to praise dance, and I know that she is dancing with God now and that He is delighted to welcome her into his pearly gates. Yesterday when I saw her in the hospital, it broke my heart, but I would have regretted to not see her before her death. I realized then too how much of an inspiration Miss JoJo's life and character are and will continue to be to me; in fact, today at school when my morning was going very rough, I remembered how she loved others, and it helped some.

JoJo taught me so many things that will become forever a part of me. One of those things was to have fun. She had so much fun, many times more fun than the kids, in my music classes. She would tell me so and play jokes back and forth with the other staff. It really made the classes more fun! JoJo consistently gave away her joy whether in hugs, smiles, or a caring spirit to others. I think she lived each day to be the encouraging spirit to others; this too is my calling. She loved God and loved to dance before him; I too enjoy giving honor to my Father that way. More than anything, Miss JoJo inspires me to LOVE to the full and overflowing each day with no regrets. She pointed me to God each day I saw her by her love and that too is my calling.

Thank you Miss JoJo for your inspiring life. Thank you for two delightful years of friendship. I will miss you tremendously!!!!!!!!! Thank you for making our Father proud! :)

What do you do when you are lonely?

Current mood: lonely

Hey all. I'm truly feeling lonely now ... and so I got to thinking on my walk moments ago, why not ask what others do when they are lonely. So, what do you do when you are lonely that helps pick you up? Just wondering AND yeah a bit curious as to if your advice can pick me up now.

What’s been running through my head lately ...

Current mood: awake

I would have to say that emotionally this has been one of my distressing weeks. I won't go into why. What I will say is that through it all, like one word kept coming to mind. What is that ONE word you ask? LOVE.

This week God kept drawing me to him and quietly whispering to my spirit to love others and love him regardless of how I felt, what I understood, or what my will wanted to do. I have to honestly say that it has been difficult for me to do that this week, but I can also honestly say that I tried to give it my best shot even when I felt clueless as to how to "love" others in the moment. You see, real love looks like many different things, and God's path is not a cookie cutter route. So, I've had to go before him and just cry out in transparency for His godly wisdom.

Today especially, it has been difficult. I kept hearing this verse - 1 John 4:19. We love him because he first loved us. I kept reading on earlier this morning and verse 21 hit me too. And this commandment we have from him, that he who loves God loves his brother also. And then, later this morning I heard a story that really moved me. It too was about God's love. The story goes as follows ...

A young boy had a mother who was badly marred. Her face was badly mangled and her arm terribly scarred. Because of these injuries, her little boy was terribly ashamed of his mother. Although he had friends, he would do his best to not have them over to his house, and if they did happen to visit, he would try and keep them from seeing his mom.

As time went by, the boy grew up, but the shame he felt for his mother never left him. One day, a man who had finally had enough of the boy's atrocious behavior, sat the boy down to talk with him. The man, charged with emotion, asked the boy if he knew why his mother was so badly scarred. The boy had no idea, and so the man told him. "Young man," the man said, "your mother looks that way because one day long ago there was a fire. A house was on fire, and your mother rushed inside. She risked her all to save a life that was within that burning house. That life, young man, was you. Your mother is so badly scarred and burnt so that you could live."

After hearing the older man speak, the young man realized that his actions were wrong. The shame he had held for his mother turned into pride after hearing the man's story as he realized that his mother's scars had in fact saved his life and were out of love.

For me when it comes to love, I've also been thinking about how much I want to love and please God. I really hate to see sin both in myself and others. I don't want to get distracted by the world or stuff and simply put forget to make loving God my first priority. Sadly, it can really be easy to do that. And so, I leave you with a few more verses that encourage me in the right direction ...

Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude] ~ Romans 12.2

If you have heard Christ and been taught be him, as the truth is in Jesus, then put off the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind. Put on the new man which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. ~ Ephesians 4:21-24

If then you have been raised with Christ, aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth. ~ Colossians 3.1-2

Want to read about my time in China?

Current mood: chill

For those of you who don't know yet, I spent the summer in China and Japan. Prior to leaving I had just started a blog on another site. Since returning last August, life has been INCREDIBLY fast-paced which means I still haven't finished adding my summer journal entries to the other blog. Today I added another entry that's also one of the longest and I think most unusual! Happy reading at www.belovedbyabba.sampasite.com. :)

Movie Quotes that Spoke To Me

Current mood: chill

From Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium --

"I don't know why grownups don't believe what they did they were a kid? Aren't they supposed to be smarter?"

"We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate."

"When you look at my face do you see a sparkle? Like something reflective of something bigger trying to get out?"

"Your life is an occasion. Write it full."

From Braveheart --

"Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it."

"I love you. Always have. I want to marry you."

"I will love you my whole life, you and no other. And I you, you and no other.

"This Wallace, he doesn't even have a knighthood, but he fights with passion and he inspires."

"Uncompromising men are easy to admire. He has courage."

"I am William Wallace, and I see a whole army of my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny. You've come to fight as free men. And free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight? Fight and you may die. Would you be willing to trade all the days for this day to that (your dying day) for one chance --- just one chance --- to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?"

"Alga gu bra" (Gaelic)

"I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom, and I go to make sure that they have it."

"Men don't follow titles. They follow courage."

"Lands, titles, men, power --- nothing. Nothing? I have nothing. ... I will never be on the wrong side again."

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives. Give me the strength to die well."

From Mr. Deeds Goes to Town --

"What puzzles me is people seem to get so much pleasure out of, out of hurting each other. Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?"

From Moses (starring Ben Kingsley) --

"Remember this night on which you came out of Egypt. Out of the house of slavery. Because the Lord brought you out with the strength of his hand. Go forth oh Israel, go forth."

"We take the route the Lord ordains."

"The Lord has shown us the way. If we follow it, he will deliver us."

From Transformers --

"Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race. Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes."

"I have witnessed their capacity for courage. And though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye."

From Evan Almighty --

"You want to change the world. So do I. Whatever I do, I do because I love you."

"How do you change the world? One random act of kindness at a time."

From The Lord of the Rings:The Fellowship of the Ring --

"Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you ... that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories ... had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.

What are we holding on to, Sam?

That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

"Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not."

Reflection on LOVE

For about two weeks now, I have been reflecting on the past year’s greatest change within myself. It was this time about a year ago that I started having internal, emotional conflicts with a very dear friend. I reached out to another friend for help and an unbiased perspective. How grateful I am now for that conflict and for my two very dear friends!

What began then and continued this past weekend was the awaking of a deeper love for others within me. I had a love for others a year ago, but along the way it got tainted with self and had come to harm a lot of people along the way. My heart’s desire was for people to abandon themselves to the ways of God and to reflect his likeness in ALL of their being. I wasn’t seeing that ... and so I was trying to encourage them to be like Abba. What mostly resulted though was increased anger and resentment at me. I don’t know if this will be understandable or not, but for me, my motivation was that I truly wanted people to be like Jesus and knew how much it pained me when I saw them sinning and in turn hurting my beloved Jesus.

Well, I was really convicted when my friend lovingly and with seeming pain in his eyes gently delivered the shattering blow. For me, he did really shatter my world at that moment, but my world needed to be shattered and remade. What he told me was that it hurt him to see me hurting others. He knew that I was trying to love them, but that my efforts were actually hurting them. I knew he was right, but for a bit, I tried to actually run from facing those words. Funny thing is, he was not the first to tell me so, but he was the precious one Abba used to change me.

I can honestly say that after that conversation, my ability to love and understand love grew. It blossomed in ways that I could never have dreamed of. It helped me experience things this summer that I am confident that I would have previously turned my nose up at. Abba, my dear Love, was even more gracious in bringing in new friends that were so different from my past. I too would never have sought out relationships with them in the past if not for the new seed of love working its way deeply into my heart. I am very grateful for these relationships and this new understanding of love as I will need it especially for what God is preparing and calling me to next in life.

Well, this past weekend I had a delighful opportunity to be a part of a retreat called Tres Dias. It is intense in lots of good ways and helped me to see even more of my true self and be convicted to go even deeper on this journey to love others with the love of Christ. He is helping me to love with joy and sacrifice. He is reminding of what is truly important in life and letting me pour my all into those people or things. He is my constant, steadfast Lover even when I fail. My heart is deeply set upon going even further in this journey and seeing those seeds of love grow into mighty trees.

Tres Dias

The little status thing on myspace is down for the moment, so I’m blogging just to inform everyone that I’ll be gone for the next several days. I’ll be away on a spiritual retreat called Tres Dias. I’ll be leaving tomorrow (early afternoon) and be back in the wee hours of Sunday night. This is a cell phone-free retreat. Looking forward to the three days of mondo me-and-Abba time; it is really needed now ... as is hearty rest. Yall have a great weekend!!! :) Keep me in your prayers as I seek my Daddy’s direction on lots of things. Thanks!

O Africa, My Africa (a poem)

Current mood:quixotic

After preparing my heart to go to Africa and thinking that I was set to be on a summer team for Uganda and Ghana, the door slammed in my face with ECM with little explanation. Out of my sadness at this turn of events, I wrote this poem.

O Africa, my Africa
how I miss you already
how I long for you to be cared for and loved.

O Africa, my Africa
how sad I am like a mother who has had her child ripped from her arms to be trampled,
I long to be with you and care for your beautiful, multi-toned children.

O Africa, my Africa
my prayer for you is that many will go and give their love for you,
you who have been abandoned and raped and destroyed.

My heart is sad and tears form now in my eyes.
I sit and ruminate about why the door has been slammed in my face when I am able and willing to care for you.
Well, perhaps I'll still get to be there for you and myself by the time I'm 40.

I think I've been in mourning for you for nearly a week now.
I try to focus and not just get distracted at work, but all the while wanting to not be a hypocrite.
I pray that desire will be birthed in people's hearts to care for you as I do and that they will go and help as I long to do.

The tears come down now hot upon my face.
Sadness. Mourning. Desperation. Restlessness. Why?
What open doors lie in wait for me now?

enjoying God

Current mood: sick

Last night I had a great time with friends hanging out at the Waffle House in the wee hours of the morning. Though the hour was early, when I arrived back home, I had the urgent desire and strength to finish the book enjoying God by S.J. Hill. God really used the book to speak directly to me all throughout my many months reading it; early this morning was no exception. I plan on giving the book to a friend, but before I do so, I wanted to leave you with a few parts that continue to resonate to me ...

Søren Kierkegaard tells the story of a king who fell in love with a humble maiden. "The king was like no other king," writes Philip Yancey, paraphrasing the tale:

Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden.

How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist --- no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she was a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them.

Kiekegaard concluded, "It is only in love that the unequal can be made equal."

In analyzing this story, John Eldredge writes, "The king clothes himself as a beggar and renounces his throne in order to win her hand."

When God created man, He created him with the freedom of choice. There was a reason why He did this. In order for the true romance to occur, man had to be free to reject Him. ... He (God) created us to love him ...

God is looking for a relationship with His people that mirrors the perfect marriage. He wants lovers who will submit to Him from their hearts. He desires a people that are driven by love, rather than by outward form or ritual. He longs for a lovesick bride. He is looking for those who will keep themselves unstained by the world and will save themselves for Him.

Why is purity so important to God? ... There is something within the nature of God that burns with jealousy for the undivided love and affection of His people. He is a consuming fire of passion who will not tolerate anyone or anything coming between Him and His bride. Deuteronomy 4:24 confirms this truth when it says, "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." ... Holy jealousy is an intense passion to protect a love relationship that's priceless and to avenge it when it's fractured. God's holy anger at any threat to this relationship is in direct proportion to the burning fire of His love. He will not tolerate any rivals in His relationship with His people.

The radical call to holiness is really an invitation to let the beauty and sweetness of Jesus so fill our hearts and minds that the seductive pleasures of sin will be swallowed up in the holy satisfaction of His presence.

The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever.

There will be times when the Lord will lift the sense of His presence from our lives in order to communicate various truths to our hearts. He may use such times to humble us by making us award of our need for Him. He may also use such occasions to alert us to some specific problems in our hearts. He may even remove the sense of His presence from us just to awaken in us a deeper hunger for Him. Regardless of the reason, the results will be well worth it. As He did with the bride in the Song of Solomon, He will allow us to find Him in a passionate new way. ... St. John of the Cross called this season of the life "the dark night of the soul."

Remember, God answers the cry of the hungry. He will never bypass the one who refuses to be denied the deeper things of His heart. I recently spoke with a woman who was experiencing her dark night. She felt spiritually barren and a million miles from God. I asked her, "What is in your heart? What do you really want?" Tears began rolling down her cheeks. She looked at me and said, "In my heart, I want God more now than I ever have."

Do you realize what the Father was doing? He was using the difficult times she was going through to draw her closer to Him. We hate the feeling of barrenness. We hate the struggles. We want to give birth to the purposes of God, but we don't like going through the birthing process. We believe we can't persist without feeling inspired, so we're tempted to give up and retreat into what we've always known. But we need to realize that those who are close to the Father today started out this very same way.

Keep drawing near to the Father in faith, believing that He will eventually reward you. Remember, faith is the issue, not feelings of inspiration. Put yourself in a position where the Holy Spirit can produce a deeper hunger in your heart. Although you can't produce passion, He will honor your posture of seeking Him and create the hunger in you. The promise in James 4:8 that God will draw near to those who draw near to Him will give you all the hope you need to persevere in your quest for intimacy with Him.

Victory - HALLELUJAH!!!

:) It is amazingly delightful to wake up rested and full of victory thanks to the grace of my Father above. Yesterday was one of my lowest days, and towards the end of it, a friend and I ended up having an impromptu Bible study related to my spiritual and personal struggles. I shared with him and another friend about my struggles and prayed my little heart out yesterday. Hallelujah that victory came over the temptations that have been plaguing me (especially before I try to sleep at night), that I was able to rest more soundly than I have in a LONG while, and that I woke up with joy this morning!!! All of that is only from HIM!!!

Last night in my attempt to learn how to fight the temptations well, I ended up reading two articles. Perhaps they might also be helpful to you if you are struggling with purity. I close with the links to both. May you passionately pursue loving and glorifying Christ in all that you are!

http://www.lastdaysministries.org/articles/sexandsingles.html
http://www.crosswalk.com/11564131/page1/

For those who want to pray for me ...

Current mood: melancholy

For those who want to pray for me, please pray for my thoughts and heart's desires to be pure. I am really struggling with both (for months now) and perhaps struggling more than I ever did in the past. It is especially hard at night for my thoughts to be pure when I lay down to go to sleep; I can perhaps go all day without much struggle, but when I try to sleep it is so intensely difficult to have a pure mind! I want to and need to please Jesus with my thoughts; yet, it must not be because of legalism but as it is birthed in my heart. This morning I was reminded of all that when I read a friend's post that discussed Psalm 19:14. That was a verse I memorized a while back, and it continues to speak my deepest heart's desire.

Thank you for reading this! If I can pray for you about something, please email me at livesacrifice@gmail.com or send me a myspace message.

Hoorah - 500 Views!

Silly or not to post, I'm quite excited that yesterday when I checked my myspace that I finally hit 500 views! Cool that it only took about four months! Just adds to the coolness of life. :]

Words I’ve Been Living By Lately ...

Current mood: tired

Philippians is my favorite book of the Bible. Having finished 2 Timothy a few days ago, my favorite book came to mind, and this is what I started reading. It is so timely and good that I've read it daily for like the past three days. May it spur you on to hope and good works in Christ.

Philippians 2:1-5 -- 1 If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care - 2 then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. 3 Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. 4 Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. 5 Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.

Intimate Peek

This morning I give you all an intimate peek, a transparent look, at an actual prayer of mine offered up to God. I don't usually share my word-for-word quoted prayers, but I want to do so this morning in hopes that yall can relate.

Dad, my Daddy ... I am hurting this morning still. It is day number five of intense pain within. The pain is beginning to make me feel numb. The cynicalism and sharp words and attitude are hard to fight. I can so easily see it upon me now. It is not because I am still tired (I am that too though); it is because of pain and loneliness. It is a loneliness that aside from you only one person can take away.

I have cried myself to sleep three times in the past four nights. If I think for just a bit over not having him in my life (my husband-to-be) then it makes me want to cry again. I have found myself picturing at times holding your hand God and then holding his hand too. I honestly feel as though I am battling depression ... again. Oh, I've got to stop thinking like this 'cause it only keeps chained here in this dark, escapeless abyss.

Jesus, will you please help me? You know my pain and loneliness. You know it better than I do infact ... and I've thought of your pain and your death. It makes me shudder! Jesus you've let rays of light shine down in my heart from loving friends these past four days. Thank you! I don't want to bury this pain, but I want it to be dealt with so that I can go on living and be joyful and free. Set me free God please ... here come the tears and numbness again.

God, thank you for your love for me. Thank you for knowing me intimately. Thank you for being sovereign. I don't know what else to say now. There is so much more of your greatness that I could say ... but my feelings are getting in the way now 'cause I feel mopey again and down. Okay, gonna end here now. Please Jesus bring your peace and rest to my weary heart, mind, and spirit. I really do love you! Lord Jesus, thank you for seeing me through this dark time and not leaving me.

In your name, Amen.

Utopia is Crashing (Delirious Ramblings)

Tired I am --- deliriously tired --- as I sit and write these ramblings. I am incredibly lonely now with great unsatiable desire. Perhaps I am too tired to get this all out ... BUT I am hoping that my writing will be my necessary "emotional release" (as my mama called it tonight).

My heart feels so incredibly shattered now. I am beginning to cry again. Already cried myself to sleep today; perhaps I will have to bear that painful burden again in about an hour as I try to rest with an already weary heart. I miss laughing with my friend Josh. By most people's standards, I think they'd only call him an acquaintance, but I proudly call him friend because of the laughter that only he has ever been able to evoke out of me. I have laughed more and harder with him than with anyone else in my life. Now he is mad at me, and he won't talk to me.

He is not the only friend that has walked out on me since coming back to America this August. I have lost two dear friends. They were friends that I could talk to for hours. They made me smile ... and now ... I cry as I think of what has been lost from my life. I desperately want them to decide to walk back into my life ... but that is not my choice to make; they will have to make that decision. It hurts so badly now. It has hurt throughout my day today. I cannot change things, and yeah I made mistakes along the way with them ... BUT oh, what a heart I have, a heart that will not simply be free of pain because I care deeply for them both.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you are not. I don't know. What I do know is that I am highly empathetic. I hurt when you are hurting, making bad choices, or struggling in life. I am sobbing again. Perchance I hurt more than you actually hurt when you are going through the above. It is rough on me sometimes because of the empathy. My friend Miki puts in a beautiful way, a way that I will remember for life. He says it's like I have "sensitive hands", hands which feel every little thing and gets troubled by things that others are too callused to feel or simply don't care about because they can't "feel" it.

I know right now in all my teary-eyed ramblings, that I am emotionally weary at the moment. I am tired of people not being connected with me on the level that I have always desired deep within. I am tired too of people walking out of my life. If you want to know how to love me best, then PLEASE spend time with me and talk with me. Those are the best gifts you could ever give me. So when, you're distracted while I'm talking with and thus, you're not giving me your full attention ... well, then, you're not really giving me those gifts. And when you shut me out your life, you have no idea what pain you have caused to ripple through me.

I do not currently know when this all pain will go away or when I can be free of it. For me, part of my mind tells me that if I am free of it, then I am not caring for you and loving you on the level that I feel is necessary. I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt people; I want to love them and I am committed to do my best to love you and learn to love this year. It is a promise I wholeheartedly intend on resolutely keeping.

My heart is weary too because I want to get married. I know God loves me very much ... and He and His strength have gotten me through this rough week, yet, I find myself lacking full contentment. I used to think I'd be single for the rest of my life, and I was honestly okay with that. Now, especially today and yesterday I have cried my head off because I would love to have cried myself into the chest of my husband and he hugged me and just held me to try and console me even if he didn't have a clue what was going on and why I was crying. I long for him to complete me and have deep, intellectual conversations. I long for him to make me laugh and play with my hair and be gentle with me. I long for us to travel together and share the Gospel together. Perhaps I long most of all for intimacy with him (not sex) but really getting on that deepest of deep levels with at least one person in my life like I pined for for so long. It seems this unsatiable desire is about to crush me.

Well, I don't know if I sound really mopey or not. I am just writing what comes from my heart now ... and here I go crying again. I wish somebody would hug me now. I'm so tired and really need lots of super restful sleep. I am honestly surprised at how well I wrote this considering my level of loopyness due to lack of sleep for nearly a week now. I don't really know what else to say, and yet, ironically I don't want to stop writing. I hope I haven't depressed anybody, and if I have, please forgive me.

Later guys and gals --- Amanda Kay : /