Hoorah - 500 Views!

Silly or not to post, I'm quite excited that yesterday when I checked my myspace that I finally hit 500 views! Cool that it only took about four months! Just adds to the coolness of life. :]

Words I’ve Been Living By Lately ...

Current mood: tired

Philippians is my favorite book of the Bible. Having finished 2 Timothy a few days ago, my favorite book came to mind, and this is what I started reading. It is so timely and good that I've read it daily for like the past three days. May it spur you on to hope and good works in Christ.

Philippians 2:1-5 -- 1 If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care - 2 then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. 3 Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. 4 Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. 5 Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.

Intimate Peek

This morning I give you all an intimate peek, a transparent look, at an actual prayer of mine offered up to God. I don't usually share my word-for-word quoted prayers, but I want to do so this morning in hopes that yall can relate.

Dad, my Daddy ... I am hurting this morning still. It is day number five of intense pain within. The pain is beginning to make me feel numb. The cynicalism and sharp words and attitude are hard to fight. I can so easily see it upon me now. It is not because I am still tired (I am that too though); it is because of pain and loneliness. It is a loneliness that aside from you only one person can take away.

I have cried myself to sleep three times in the past four nights. If I think for just a bit over not having him in my life (my husband-to-be) then it makes me want to cry again. I have found myself picturing at times holding your hand God and then holding his hand too. I honestly feel as though I am battling depression ... again. Oh, I've got to stop thinking like this 'cause it only keeps chained here in this dark, escapeless abyss.

Jesus, will you please help me? You know my pain and loneliness. You know it better than I do infact ... and I've thought of your pain and your death. It makes me shudder! Jesus you've let rays of light shine down in my heart from loving friends these past four days. Thank you! I don't want to bury this pain, but I want it to be dealt with so that I can go on living and be joyful and free. Set me free God please ... here come the tears and numbness again.

God, thank you for your love for me. Thank you for knowing me intimately. Thank you for being sovereign. I don't know what else to say now. There is so much more of your greatness that I could say ... but my feelings are getting in the way now 'cause I feel mopey again and down. Okay, gonna end here now. Please Jesus bring your peace and rest to my weary heart, mind, and spirit. I really do love you! Lord Jesus, thank you for seeing me through this dark time and not leaving me.

In your name, Amen.

Utopia is Crashing (Delirious Ramblings)

Tired I am --- deliriously tired --- as I sit and write these ramblings. I am incredibly lonely now with great unsatiable desire. Perhaps I am too tired to get this all out ... BUT I am hoping that my writing will be my necessary "emotional release" (as my mama called it tonight).

My heart feels so incredibly shattered now. I am beginning to cry again. Already cried myself to sleep today; perhaps I will have to bear that painful burden again in about an hour as I try to rest with an already weary heart. I miss laughing with my friend Josh. By most people's standards, I think they'd only call him an acquaintance, but I proudly call him friend because of the laughter that only he has ever been able to evoke out of me. I have laughed more and harder with him than with anyone else in my life. Now he is mad at me, and he won't talk to me.

He is not the only friend that has walked out on me since coming back to America this August. I have lost two dear friends. They were friends that I could talk to for hours. They made me smile ... and now ... I cry as I think of what has been lost from my life. I desperately want them to decide to walk back into my life ... but that is not my choice to make; they will have to make that decision. It hurts so badly now. It has hurt throughout my day today. I cannot change things, and yeah I made mistakes along the way with them ... BUT oh, what a heart I have, a heart that will not simply be free of pain because I care deeply for them both.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you are not. I don't know. What I do know is that I am highly empathetic. I hurt when you are hurting, making bad choices, or struggling in life. I am sobbing again. Perchance I hurt more than you actually hurt when you are going through the above. It is rough on me sometimes because of the empathy. My friend Miki puts in a beautiful way, a way that I will remember for life. He says it's like I have "sensitive hands", hands which feel every little thing and gets troubled by things that others are too callused to feel or simply don't care about because they can't "feel" it.

I know right now in all my teary-eyed ramblings, that I am emotionally weary at the moment. I am tired of people not being connected with me on the level that I have always desired deep within. I am tired too of people walking out of my life. If you want to know how to love me best, then PLEASE spend time with me and talk with me. Those are the best gifts you could ever give me. So when, you're distracted while I'm talking with and thus, you're not giving me your full attention ... well, then, you're not really giving me those gifts. And when you shut me out your life, you have no idea what pain you have caused to ripple through me.

I do not currently know when this all pain will go away or when I can be free of it. For me, part of my mind tells me that if I am free of it, then I am not caring for you and loving you on the level that I feel is necessary. I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt people; I want to love them and I am committed to do my best to love you and learn to love this year. It is a promise I wholeheartedly intend on resolutely keeping.

My heart is weary too because I want to get married. I know God loves me very much ... and He and His strength have gotten me through this rough week, yet, I find myself lacking full contentment. I used to think I'd be single for the rest of my life, and I was honestly okay with that. Now, especially today and yesterday I have cried my head off because I would love to have cried myself into the chest of my husband and he hugged me and just held me to try and console me even if he didn't have a clue what was going on and why I was crying. I long for him to complete me and have deep, intellectual conversations. I long for him to make me laugh and play with my hair and be gentle with me. I long for us to travel together and share the Gospel together. Perhaps I long most of all for intimacy with him (not sex) but really getting on that deepest of deep levels with at least one person in my life like I pined for for so long. It seems this unsatiable desire is about to crush me.

Well, I don't know if I sound really mopey or not. I am just writing what comes from my heart now ... and here I go crying again. I wish somebody would hug me now. I'm so tired and really need lots of super restful sleep. I am honestly surprised at how well I wrote this considering my level of loopyness due to lack of sleep for nearly a week now. I don't really know what else to say, and yet, ironically I don't want to stop writing. I hope I haven't depressed anybody, and if I have, please forgive me.

Later guys and gals --- Amanda Kay : /

Finally some new blogs on my old site

Current mood: quiet

After about a six-month hiatus, I have finally begun posting the rest of my journal entries from this summer. These entries include the rest of my time in Beijing (my last 2.5 weeks in China) and my time all over Japan. Sorry life in the US got me so busy that it created such a lengthy gap!

www.belovedbyabba.sampasite.com

My 2008 New Year’s Resolution

Current mood: thankful

I know I'm posting this a day late, but OH WELL. lol. I don't know if any of you do the whole New Year's resolutions thing, and well, I haven't done it for a while ... but New Year's Eve I started thinking about the coming year and how I'd want to change. I think 2007 was honestly the year of the most profound personal changes within thus far in life. This year, 2008, I have but one resolution which is far different than any of my past resolutions. So what is my 2008 resolution? I resolve to learn to love others better and truly love on them unconditionally with all my heart and with personal sacrifice.