My Tongue Prayer

So the following was on my door when I moved to The Bronx. Not sure why it was there, but very, very appropriate and needed especially in regards to my lonely and trying relationship with my two current roommates. I would like to say 2010 has been a good year, but it's honestly been pretty awful for myself, close friends, and family. The following was written by Stormie Omartian and is adapted from The Power of a Praying Parent.

I pray that I will choose to use speech that glorifies You. Fill my heart with Your Spirit and Your truth so that what overflows from my mouth will be words of life and not death. Put a monitor over my mouth so that every temptation to use profane, negative, cruel, hurtful, uncaring, unloving, or compassionless language would pierce my spirit and make me feel uncomfortable. I pray that obscene or foul language be so foreign to me that if words like that ever do find their way through my lips they will be like gravel in my mouth, and I will be repulsed by them. Help me to hear myself so that words don't come out carelessly or thoughtlessly.

Keep me from being snared by the words of my mouth. You've promised that "whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." (Proverbs 21:23) Help me to put a guard over my mouth and keep far away from adversity. Your Word says that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21) May I speak life and not death. May I be quick to listen and slow to speak so that my speech will always be seasoned with grace and mercy. Equip me to know how, what, and when to speak to anyone in any situation. Enable me to always speak words of hope, health, encouragement, and life, and to resolve that my mouth will not sin.

James 1:2-5

James 1:2-5 - Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.

These verses sum up my circumstances. More roadblocks have recently cropped up in my path here in The Bronx. This is all while my closest friends are going through numerous struggles that are equally painful and distressing. Simply put, it is quite disheartening. I only know to pray and ask God for wisdom to know how to help my friends through these difficult times and for wisdom to know what his perfect, winding, somewhat elusive plan is for me now. I do not know if I will get to teach again in NYC through no wrongdoing on my part. I choose to accept that God has allowed this to give me time to prepare to move to Astoria and have much more peaceful days here. I am very grateful for both.

The Beginning of the End

Yesterday, I told my landlord that I will be moving out at the end of my lease. I didn't get a chance to tell my roommates until today via text because I couldn't catch them at home or not busy. I look forward to serving with Betel beginning on 1/1/2011. My role with them is still in development, but I am definitely interning with them until I start my World Vision internship through MVS at the United Nations, possibly as late as August 2011. Though this is all exciting for me, I am sad to see the mustard seed not grow much at this time in The Bronx.

The Harsh Reality Hits!

Four weeks in to substitute teaching, and the harsh reality has hit! I am working nearly every day as a sub and also being dehumanized by students of all ages at that same pace. It enrages me! I loathe being seen not as a teacher or someone who is quite capable of imparting knowledge but as an adult presence to ignore, disrespect, and take advantage of. I don't want to see my students in The Bronx become the statistics that say for reasons including their skin color that they are destined to drop out and live up to being failures clogging society; I have yet to help any but perhaps Matthew (at BLCS) see that. I loathe that I am now working for dollars to pay my bills rather than with passion that inspires others to enjoy learning.

It's finally over!

It's finally over! After four months of workshops, tests, paperwork, etcetera I have finally completed the process for all local school systems to substitute teach and most of the two-page requirements for NY state teacher certification. I can now sub in public, private, charter, Catholic, Islamic, and private schools here. What a long road it has been! At the moment, I still am awaiting the test results for the third of four state tests I took about a month ago and for three mandated workshops to be added to my list of fulfilled requirements for NY state certification. Now, I just have a year's worth of grad school and one more test on special education laws to pass. The next obstacle to overcome will be acquiring scholarships or grants of some kind in order to pay for my master's debt free. I refuse to go into any debt when I know my grades are good enough and my heart/determination strong enough to stay debt free.

Swamped

For the past three months, I have been working diligently to complete workshops and trainings, and such in order to substitute teach when school starts in early September. I also got to spend two weeks with my brother in mid to late July. It was glorious to get out of NYC and be in the flesh with my family and long-time friends. I have also begun visiting colleges that I am considering for grad school. I revamped my list of where to go while at my brother's home and have narrowed my list to four universities where I can pursue a master's in middle school special education, the combination of my favorite age to teach and favorite kind of students to teach. It has kept me swamped!!!

May Day Update

I know it has been forever and a day since I’ve blogged. The loneliness and depression that lasted from November to March has now passed because God blessed me with a 15-day vacation and retreat to be with and be loved by my family and close friends in the South in March. My lack of work also passed as of March. FINALLY, God opened up the doors for me then to work 30-40 hour weeks with the census as a Partnership Assistant. As of this week, I have begun a new job as a Crew Leader Assistant (my first ever promotion) during the enumeration phase of the 2010 Census.

Since the last time I wrote, I have continued to wrestle with spiritually related issues and still have many unanswered questions. I still desire community and would ultimately like to live close to those in my church so that they can more naturally and spontaneously help me grow spiritually. This week, after MONTHS of wrestling and praying, I have peace about two spiritual decisions. The first is that I should pursue community with those living in Midtown East rather than the Upper East Side. In the year since I first became a part of the UES body, those closest to me are no longer in the UES and it is no longer very life giving; those friends that I’m closest too and accountable with are now either in ME or Long Island City. I’m a little sad about this as it means I’m choosing one group of people over another, but again, I have peace about this and Jesus only invested deeply when alive in 12 apostles. Secondly, of the five or so volunteer opportunities still open to me (the others have rejected me since I last blogged), I am going to only continue to pursue the United Nations World Vision Intern position through MVS that would begin in January 2011; I badly want this position for what it could mean later in life that I desire, for the prestige, to serve my NYC neighbors, and because it would provide me with the opportunity to live with friends in a great location in Midtown East that I am already naturally, increasingly becoming close to. So, though I’ve only been here for four months, yes, I’m already looking to move from The Bronx. I will continue to prayer walk for the people and the area however.

Aside from what’s above, I am also continuing to apply for new teaching and service-oriented jobs and grad school. I would tremendously appreciate everyone’s prayers for clarity and for the right door to be obvious. I have also come to truly believe no matter where I live or what I do vocationally that my life is to be about loving others well, service, and missions. I want to bring the Gospel to others with my life every day wherever I may be! I truly have grown so much personally and spiritually here more than ever and see my giftings being used to the full here. I believe that will continue. Though a definite trial by fire most of the time, I am DEEPLY thankful to live and love others here!

Update from Throggs Neck (Bronx)

Life here while spacious has not lived up to my expectations. I am EXTREMELY LONELY and feel very, very, very isolated. Community is not being built here nor are connections with my my neighbors really. Furthermore, I have exceeded the point that I am okay emotionally away from my family. I didn't get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with them because if I traveled I couldn't move here and pay rent. It has now been over a year since I've seen my parents, and it's deeply depressing me. I am also not really working with the 2010 Census (47 hours total in five weeks). I have spent the past two weeks watching the Vancouver Olympics and giving my all to applying for different volunteer opportunities that require you to live in community. I want it that badly! I'm just trusting that God will open and close the right doors when the time comes to act on all of these different possible opportunities. Maybe I'm giving up too early, but I'm tired of crying these many tears (my face hurts from all the crying I did today) and tired from being this dejected.

New Year, New Home!

The last time I wrote you I was living in Queens. I moved on Jan 4th to The Bronx ... and I LOVE IT HERE!!! My new place is spacious (which means you can stay here when you visit me in NYC), has a back yard, and is near three beaches (which I will visit in the summer)! I am so thankful that after six months of trying to move here that Abba opened up one door and provided all of the money I'd need for me to live here.

So now that I'm here, I hope to stay until I move out of NYC. I don't plan on doing that for five to seven years. There's still so much to see, to do, to learn, to build here! I still want to get a master's from both Columbia University and NYU. My church (Trinity Grace Church) believes in being planted and pouring into your neighborhood; I moved here to TOTALLY do that. It is now my main focus, and I think I'm pretty OCD about it at this point. I really want to see community built here and social justice to also come. This borough is so forgotten and looked down upon in many ways, and I WANT TO CHANGE THAT! I am chronicling that journey in a new blog. If you want to read those stories, follow the journey at mustardseedchronicles.blogspot.com.

As for my December, it was very lonely, depressing, and stressful. I was here and didn't get to travel to the South to be with family. I missed my family and friends greatly and wondered where I'd be living much of the time. It was also a month of so many NYC events and parties and a lot of volunteering. Those times totally didn't ease the loneliness that I endured during that time! By the end of the month, I came to see two things spiritually: that this new year will be a time of great faith-building for those in my church and that it will also be a year in which we will be challenged to totally rely on God alone. I know that for myself and many of those in my church that these things will not be accomplished without times of frustration, pain, and sorrow. God is good and faithful though and DEEPLY loves us!