For what it is worth ... for the edification of the Body ... for myself and self transformation because of grace, I submit to you a glimpse into my night.
Love and be loved ... My beloved lover ... my mind is so full of thoughts tonight. I have cried so much while worshiping you with my brothers and sisters tonight in Chelsea. I have been reminded of my ugliness -- my sin -- that caused your death upon the cross. Oh lover, I feel ashamed that I caused your death and wonder why I don’t feel it’s sting more often. So often I am not reminded of what my price cost you -- death.
And so tonight, my mind is bombarded by these thoughts yet unanswered as delivered by Caleb:
What am I fighting for that God is not in? not important to God?
Am I leading people to God?
Do I recognize my heritage in God?
Do I recognize my rebellion against him?
What have I done that puts Jesus on the cross? Will I deny that I put Jesus there?
Do I see Jesus “interfering” in my life or am I humble and soft to let my life/heart be transformed from darkness to light? Do I let God lead me?
What am I blind to in my life?
Does anyone know God because of my life? What does my life say to others because of Jesus?
Where does my joy come from?
How do I reflect Jesus to others in my life?
As of now, I know that my heart and mind want to answer these immediately ... and yet part of me says that I need to let the weight of the coming changes ruminate in me, to be refined, to really sink in and penetrate the stoniness of my heart and mind. Oh Father, let my blind heart and mind be opened, penetrated, refined, transformed. Let this jar of clay be remolded into a storehouse for all that is good and lovely in you. Let the aroma of my life be pleasing to you and let your kingdom come in this evanescent lifetime that I have been given. Let this not be searching of answers to merely fill in the blanks but a searching for you, my ultimate Lover and Redeemer who makes ALL things new.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Since things won't get out my brain and off my mind ...
I'll let my pictures tell the story of what I've done in NYC since I last blogged in January. If you want more details on them, just let me know. Moving on ...
I have now been in New York City for a little over six months. The routines of taking trains and buses and rerouting on a regular basis and lots of meetings and long hours at work have become "normal" now to me. It's honestly had me feeling weird when things weren't full of conflict and coldness. I mean, I just know that I've finally reached the up swing on the U-curve we all go through when we transition into new experiences in life. Even still, I didn't expect it to hit me only six months in; I didn't know when it would hit me though or even truly expect it to happen. It's funny how months and months went by of me knowingly becoming a new, New Yorker Amanda only to feel strange in the end. Soon to cap it all off as a gift to myself, my NY state drivers license will arrive in the mail!
Realizing that I had been here six months after my vacation to the South recently began making my head spin with reflective thoughts about my time here and what normal life is to me now. Honestly, I know that I am blessed to live here. I am blessed financially to live on no more than half of what I made in the South each month yet live comfortably in one of the world's most expensive cities. I have been given so many new friends that are being knit deeply into my life more and more. Some will remain life-long friends though I'll likely live thousands of miles away. I see the artist and teacher and compassionate person thrive here as I live out so many of my dreams and get to literally help the world and my neighbors here on a daily basis. It is wonderful!
The biggest self-realization to hit me as of late was how much of a lover I have grown into. I know that I used to be extremely bossy and selfish and legalistic. I was hidebound and so unapproachable to many in my life. I know that I hurt so many folks that I really cared about along the way especially my family because my understanding of love --- real, true, unconditional love --- was skewed and usually limited to what I saw on the outside. I pray that I never go back to being that person again! This week I was really encouraged by two things, a call from my sister Ame and words from my friend Jon. Both talks, simply put, reminded me of the power and healing that come from looking beyond ourselves and our conveniences so that others may truly be loved well. I want to be that person more and more and am pondering how my actions can help love others especially those very different from me with real, no strings attached love. I hope that you too will ponder and seek to become the lovers that we were ALL always meant to be and strive to bring healing and joy into everyone's paths.
PS: Speaking of being a lover and world changer, if any of you get to see the movie Milk with Sean Penn, go see it! I saw it on Saturday, and it is a wonderful movie with a powerful story of what real love can do to change our world. :)
I have now been in New York City for a little over six months. The routines of taking trains and buses and rerouting on a regular basis and lots of meetings and long hours at work have become "normal" now to me. It's honestly had me feeling weird when things weren't full of conflict and coldness. I mean, I just know that I've finally reached the up swing on the U-curve we all go through when we transition into new experiences in life. Even still, I didn't expect it to hit me only six months in; I didn't know when it would hit me though or even truly expect it to happen. It's funny how months and months went by of me knowingly becoming a new, New Yorker Amanda only to feel strange in the end. Soon to cap it all off as a gift to myself, my NY state drivers license will arrive in the mail!
Realizing that I had been here six months after my vacation to the South recently began making my head spin with reflective thoughts about my time here and what normal life is to me now. Honestly, I know that I am blessed to live here. I am blessed financially to live on no more than half of what I made in the South each month yet live comfortably in one of the world's most expensive cities. I have been given so many new friends that are being knit deeply into my life more and more. Some will remain life-long friends though I'll likely live thousands of miles away. I see the artist and teacher and compassionate person thrive here as I live out so many of my dreams and get to literally help the world and my neighbors here on a daily basis. It is wonderful!
The biggest self-realization to hit me as of late was how much of a lover I have grown into. I know that I used to be extremely bossy and selfish and legalistic. I was hidebound and so unapproachable to many in my life. I know that I hurt so many folks that I really cared about along the way especially my family because my understanding of love --- real, true, unconditional love --- was skewed and usually limited to what I saw on the outside. I pray that I never go back to being that person again! This week I was really encouraged by two things, a call from my sister Ame and words from my friend Jon. Both talks, simply put, reminded me of the power and healing that come from looking beyond ourselves and our conveniences so that others may truly be loved well. I want to be that person more and more and am pondering how my actions can help love others especially those very different from me with real, no strings attached love. I hope that you too will ponder and seek to become the lovers that we were ALL always meant to be and strive to bring healing and joy into everyone's paths.
PS: Speaking of being a lover and world changer, if any of you get to see the movie Milk with Sean Penn, go see it! I saw it on Saturday, and it is a wonderful movie with a powerful story of what real love can do to change our world. :)
Call + Response: A Reflection
Long story short, the documentary got me thinking about the issue of slavery again. (In fact, I had to pray so that I wouldn't stay up all night just thinking and could get rest to teach the next day.) I have been ruminating on the issue for days now, and in my search for what I can do practically to end slavery, I put this blog out to share what I know with you. May you join the fight that others may live and be given the love and dignity that we all are worthy of!
Check out these links for more info on modern-day slavery and to begin your fight against it!
www.callandresponse.com/
www.thefreedomproject-ywam.com/
www.photogenx.net/sexandmoney/
www.invisiblechildren.com
www.ecmafrica.org/
www.worldvision.org/Worldvision/eappeal.nsf/egift_exploited_children_pledge?open&lid=CIC_pledge&lpos=day:txt:Become_a
--- Love, Amanda Kay
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