For what it is worth ... for the edification of the Body ... for myself and self transformation because of grace, I submit to you a glimpse into my night.
Love and be loved ... My beloved lover ... my mind is so full of thoughts tonight. I have cried so much while worshiping you with my brothers and sisters tonight in Chelsea. I have been reminded of my ugliness -- my sin -- that caused your death upon the cross. Oh lover, I feel ashamed that I caused your death and wonder why I don’t feel it’s sting more often. So often I am not reminded of what my price cost you -- death.
And so tonight, my mind is bombarded by these thoughts yet unanswered as delivered by Caleb:
What am I fighting for that God is not in? not important to God?
Am I leading people to God?
Do I recognize my heritage in God?
Do I recognize my rebellion against him?
What have I done that puts Jesus on the cross? Will I deny that I put Jesus there?
Do I see Jesus “interfering” in my life or am I humble and soft to let my life/heart be transformed from darkness to light? Do I let God lead me?
What am I blind to in my life?
Does anyone know God because of my life? What does my life say to others because of Jesus?
Where does my joy come from?
How do I reflect Jesus to others in my life?
As of now, I know that my heart and mind want to answer these immediately ... and yet part of me says that I need to let the weight of the coming changes ruminate in me, to be refined, to really sink in and penetrate the stoniness of my heart and mind. Oh Father, let my blind heart and mind be opened, penetrated, refined, transformed. Let this jar of clay be remolded into a storehouse for all that is good and lovely in you. Let the aroma of my life be pleasing to you and let your kingdom come in this evanescent lifetime that I have been given. Let this not be searching of answers to merely fill in the blanks but a searching for you, my ultimate Lover and Redeemer who makes ALL things new.
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