I've been thinking about blogging again. And so, here it begins ... again.
I'm happy with life. Sure, I still want a spouse or rather a life partner who will love me and truly partner with me in life, but I can also honestly say that I'm happy with life. I'm content. I feel satisfied. There are still things to be done and sculpting of the person that I am to be done ... but ... I want to put down on virtual paper ... that I, Amanda Kay Johnson, am very happy and satisfied with life. I know storms will come, as will heartache, and setbacks. Yet, I will rise up again. I will shake off the dust and rise from destruction to thrive. Overly optimistic? No way!
And so, if you're reading this, go and live your life satisfied ... very satisfied ... VERY, VERY satisfied. And don't stop striving for that until you are thriving in it!
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Monday, January 19, 2015
MLK Day ... Still Dreaming?
I can't keep this in. Today is MLK Day. After finishing up in New Rochelle painting a community center, I hop on the train with two black friends who are guys. We were deep in conversation before we got on, so we grab the only available seats that were next to like a 60-year old white lady. She was terrified that one of my friends was sitting next to her. Her body language undeniably showed how uncomfortable she was and how unsafe she felt. This really bothers me, and maybe it's not the first time it's happened to them.
I want the world to stop judging others. I want Dr. King's dream to not just be a dream but to be reality. My two black male friends are fathers, loving, accomplished, very intelligent men who can carry on deep conversations with me as well as relate to many others. As we said in convo on the train, it's a shame the way the world judges other people and doesn't give them opportunities. I so wish the lady would have actually paid attention to what we were saying instead of being so terrified the whole time.
I want the world to stop judging others. I want Dr. King's dream to not just be a dream but to be reality. My two black male friends are fathers, loving, accomplished, very intelligent men who can carry on deep conversations with me as well as relate to many others. As we said in convo on the train, it's a shame the way the world judges other people and doesn't give them opportunities. I so wish the lady would have actually paid attention to what we were saying instead of being so terrified the whole time.
Friday, December 21, 2012
5 Words From Bob
Every so often I do this. Today, I asked Bob, my supervisor to describe me in five words to learn from him, take in his perspective, and out of simple curiosity. His five words were:
- sensitive
- loving
- sincere
- dedicated
- organized
Friday, July 20, 2012
A Blog Post To Keep My Sanity
Count your blessings. Name them one by one. Count your many blessings. See what God has done.
This is long overdue. I kept telling myself that I needed to write as I found long ago that it helps de-stress and center me. Yet, I never wrote the varied mullings that floated through my head over the past month ... until ... now.
One of my primary thoughts has been to try and remember daily to focus on the many ways each day that God is helping me. As the song from my childhood says, to count my blessings. Honestly, this journey from life in Betel to homelessness has not been easy. So first, I am deeply grateful for restored and invigorated relationships with my family who first provided housing for me upon my return from service in Europe. I honestly had what I think are the best visits with them since moving off to university; I know how positive and loving the visits were from April to June were truly the answer to my prayers and those of many others. Along those lines, I am exceptionally grateful for the many friends, both old and new, who have provided temporary homes for me in New York City. It goes without saying that a couch is a better “home” than any night on the streets here.
The life here in NYC has always been both “home” and an arduous struggle. It still amazes me how for a solid year it was on my heart to return to serve this amazing city, and that, as I put the desire in God’s hands, that it only grew stronger within. Remarkably through that same time, I came to discover my clear, joy-filled career path --- working with the city’s homeless. Father, I want to thank you now for answering my prayers for a position with AmeriCorps that fits perfectly with that career path. Thank you for saying “YES!” to months’ worth of prayers and giving me a leadership position with NYC Habitat for Humanity starting 8/28. I don’t know what all is in store for me ... but, I’m very excited!
Jesus, I want to thank you now for the iPod I’m listening to, the one freely given to me by Neal, the one that was so the answer again to month’s worth of prayers! It was so completely YOU how all this went down for me to receive this particular blessing. I have a tool to learn more Spanish and Mandarin Chinese to become trilingual, a resource to grow spiritually from Christian sermons, and a means to be stimulated with academic videos. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This might sound strange. (I admittedly feel a bit awkward confessing this.) Thank you Jesus for this time of homelessness so that I can learn firsthand what it is like to go through the bureaucracy, the mental anguish, the difficult choices (food or work) so as to better love and care for the homeless you’ll put into my future. It absolutely breaks my heart to see the multitudes of needy here not be given dignity, love, and tangible help and be treated like they did something wrong when what they need is compassion. I trust that your Word is true, meaning everything is for my good, and so this is, in part, to help me learn by experience ways and means to help others. Thank you God for the churches that have given me food, for the churches and organizations that have provided me professional clothes for work, and for the knowledge of new resources within NYC for the marginalized. I don’t know when or how exactly it will happen, but I thank you for the forthcoming income and permanent housing here in the city.
Papa, you know that this transition back has been difficult and busy. So much changed in my absence; I didn’t expect it to be the same when I returned, but I simultaneously didn’t expect this multitude of change. Two friends dead, one friend seriously injured, one raped and traumatized, places I loved gone forever, friends moving out of the city, friends still here not gathering weekly for fellowship and encouragement, disconnection with my church. It has me feeling very isolated and lonely. That is all mixed in with trekking all over the city most days for clothes, food, free medical care, social service appointments, and job interviews ... an exhausting mix really. And so, I’ve determined to pour my all into those friends who are still here, those remaining relationships, and to work for community in that way. God, though this part of the journey I think has been the hardest, I thank you for the times with friends still here to catch up on life and share joyful moments. Thank you for never leaving me and being with me through the loneliest times.
I know that I’ve spent time praying and thanking you on this journey, but I just want to say again thank you for all of the food, the free medical services, the new clothes, the open acceptance from some (like those at Holy Apostles) who’ve helped me, for the many couches and beds to sleep in, for many free meals with friends. Thank YOU for accepting me as I am. Help me to rest and abide in You on this journey, to remember Your love, and to walk forward in bringing Your Kingdom Jesus. Thank you too for the beautiful gardens and parks that I have been able to visit to help calm and center me and for quirky things like the break dancing battle royale that I got to see and brought a smile to my soul. I deeply love you. Help the anger, the sadness, the frustration to cease so that You will shine through me. May Your Kingdom come in NYC as it is Heaven. Amen.
This is long overdue. I kept telling myself that I needed to write as I found long ago that it helps de-stress and center me. Yet, I never wrote the varied mullings that floated through my head over the past month ... until ... now.
One of my primary thoughts has been to try and remember daily to focus on the many ways each day that God is helping me. As the song from my childhood says, to count my blessings. Honestly, this journey from life in Betel to homelessness has not been easy. So first, I am deeply grateful for restored and invigorated relationships with my family who first provided housing for me upon my return from service in Europe. I honestly had what I think are the best visits with them since moving off to university; I know how positive and loving the visits were from April to June were truly the answer to my prayers and those of many others. Along those lines, I am exceptionally grateful for the many friends, both old and new, who have provided temporary homes for me in New York City. It goes without saying that a couch is a better “home” than any night on the streets here.
The life here in NYC has always been both “home” and an arduous struggle. It still amazes me how for a solid year it was on my heart to return to serve this amazing city, and that, as I put the desire in God’s hands, that it only grew stronger within. Remarkably through that same time, I came to discover my clear, joy-filled career path --- working with the city’s homeless. Father, I want to thank you now for answering my prayers for a position with AmeriCorps that fits perfectly with that career path. Thank you for saying “YES!” to months’ worth of prayers and giving me a leadership position with NYC Habitat for Humanity starting 8/28. I don’t know what all is in store for me ... but, I’m very excited!
Jesus, I want to thank you now for the iPod I’m listening to, the one freely given to me by Neal, the one that was so the answer again to month’s worth of prayers! It was so completely YOU how all this went down for me to receive this particular blessing. I have a tool to learn more Spanish and Mandarin Chinese to become trilingual, a resource to grow spiritually from Christian sermons, and a means to be stimulated with academic videos. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This might sound strange. (I admittedly feel a bit awkward confessing this.) Thank you Jesus for this time of homelessness so that I can learn firsthand what it is like to go through the bureaucracy, the mental anguish, the difficult choices (food or work) so as to better love and care for the homeless you’ll put into my future. It absolutely breaks my heart to see the multitudes of needy here not be given dignity, love, and tangible help and be treated like they did something wrong when what they need is compassion. I trust that your Word is true, meaning everything is for my good, and so this is, in part, to help me learn by experience ways and means to help others. Thank you God for the churches that have given me food, for the churches and organizations that have provided me professional clothes for work, and for the knowledge of new resources within NYC for the marginalized. I don’t know when or how exactly it will happen, but I thank you for the forthcoming income and permanent housing here in the city.
Papa, you know that this transition back has been difficult and busy. So much changed in my absence; I didn’t expect it to be the same when I returned, but I simultaneously didn’t expect this multitude of change. Two friends dead, one friend seriously injured, one raped and traumatized, places I loved gone forever, friends moving out of the city, friends still here not gathering weekly for fellowship and encouragement, disconnection with my church. It has me feeling very isolated and lonely. That is all mixed in with trekking all over the city most days for clothes, food, free medical care, social service appointments, and job interviews ... an exhausting mix really. And so, I’ve determined to pour my all into those friends who are still here, those remaining relationships, and to work for community in that way. God, though this part of the journey I think has been the hardest, I thank you for the times with friends still here to catch up on life and share joyful moments. Thank you for never leaving me and being with me through the loneliest times.
I know that I’ve spent time praying and thanking you on this journey, but I just want to say again thank you for all of the food, the free medical services, the new clothes, the open acceptance from some (like those at Holy Apostles) who’ve helped me, for the many couches and beds to sleep in, for many free meals with friends. Thank YOU for accepting me as I am. Help me to rest and abide in You on this journey, to remember Your love, and to walk forward in bringing Your Kingdom Jesus. Thank you too for the beautiful gardens and parks that I have been able to visit to help calm and center me and for quirky things like the break dancing battle royale that I got to see and brought a smile to my soul. I deeply love you. Help the anger, the sadness, the frustration to cease so that You will shine through me. May Your Kingdom come in NYC as it is Heaven. Amen.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Rambling Reflections
Call it all ramblings. This is me sitting down to merely express what's on my mind without really editing, just ... straight ... typing ... out thoughts.
I sit here thinking about how it's been just over two weeks since I got back from Europe. Six months in Europe. Six hard and life-changing months. Always tired. Battling culture. Seeing God do miracles frequently in my life and the life of others. Amazing stuff really. Through that time, I thought it was just from the stress of a life where you live and work with the same people 24-7, 6.5 days per week, a chaotic, messy, grueling, down-in-the-trenches, never-ending cacophony of sounds that a particular personality trait of mine kept being nudged to the surface. A lack of selflessness. I was wrong. For I have this quality rise up again ... and it bugs me.
I think most people would characterize me as very selfless, a fairly constant putting others first. Many have wondered when I made, in fact, any time for me because I always seem to be helping others so much or serving somehow. I admit, I do genuinely enjoy serving and helping others. I want to make the world a better place. I value peace and love and the example of Christ. Yeah, go ahead and be the next person to call me a hippie.
And now, I'm back with my family in the South for an extended visit where things should be more peaceful from my full on life in New York City. I'm not in a house with close to 20 people sleeping on a bunk bed. For the most part, I can do whatever I want, see whatever I want, be whoever I want. Freedom restored (although I never lost it, just sacrificed for a while) amidst people who deeply love me and understand me. I don't know how to express this next part well, except to say that lately life here has been challenging. My core seems to be shaken. I've wondered if I were out of touch with reality, suffering from culture shock, or just beginning to come to terms with not wanting things I've desired throughout a lot of my life. Is this me just seeing things that irk me more clearly? I mean, how does one go from wanting kids so badly to thinking maybe I really don't want kids at all and thinking maybe I need to get over my abhorrence to online dating so I can finally go on a first date and get a boyfriend to accomplish the whole kids thing.
I'm sad to say that I see what's above most clearly when I'm around my gorgeous and brilliant nieces. I've always been the aunt who came in and out of their lives because we've lived in separate places most of the time. Thankfully, early on in their lives, my younger sister (their mom) and our mom showed them pictures of me, talked about me, and helped me be in their lives even from a distance. At present, I'm nearly thirty-two while they're nearly eight and six. They are so full of energy and almost always seem to be touching me especially when we're traveling together. I like physical touch, but their's just seems to always annoy me, hurt me accidentally, or significantly distract me. I don't want to be frustrated with them, distance myself, or not show them love, especially Christ's love, and in all honesty, feel like I've been failing in this during my time with them so far. I pray Christ intervenes soon ... because ... I sure do need the help as I grasp for the answers.
When I was flying from England to Canada and eventually the USA, there was one core sense in my spirit that this is the start of something new for me. I still don't know what all that means. With the current internal, personal struggles I'm going through and my awareness of a lack of selflessness, I believe that part of the evolving me is to become a more selfless person ... which in my mind ... always involves sacrifice of some kind. And right now, I have some very good examples of this kind of love. I've seen it in my daddy, my step-mom, my mama, and my step-dad in recent days. It blows me away. In some ways, it is the answer to prayers, the gut feelings becoming reality. It is overwhelmingly humbling.
About four hours have passed since I nearly wrapped up these thoughts, and in that time, some very interesting things happened. I went with my nieces to their last Awana night, a club they have at their church. As I walked in the doors with them, I shared with my mom how I was considering adopting my mindset in Spain —— laugh and let it go rather than getting frustrated. The time with them let me put how they act in perspective visually ... and so ... I feel a bit like a dope when I report that given the context of the other children, my nieces, well, are behaving completely normal. I'm glad these thoughts didn't get finished hours ago ... because ... I can see now that I really needed to have my perspective refreshed, my personality challenged, my soul calmed and warmed up greatly with shared laughter and joy tonight with two delightful gifts, my beloved nieces. I feel a bit of hope restored, but I admit, I've got a long ways to go at this whole selfless thing. So help me God, and chisel me along the way into Your likeness. Amen.
I sit here thinking about how it's been just over two weeks since I got back from Europe. Six months in Europe. Six hard and life-changing months. Always tired. Battling culture. Seeing God do miracles frequently in my life and the life of others. Amazing stuff really. Through that time, I thought it was just from the stress of a life where you live and work with the same people 24-7, 6.5 days per week, a chaotic, messy, grueling, down-in-the-trenches, never-ending cacophony of sounds that a particular personality trait of mine kept being nudged to the surface. A lack of selflessness. I was wrong. For I have this quality rise up again ... and it bugs me.
I think most people would characterize me as very selfless, a fairly constant putting others first. Many have wondered when I made, in fact, any time for me because I always seem to be helping others so much or serving somehow. I admit, I do genuinely enjoy serving and helping others. I want to make the world a better place. I value peace and love and the example of Christ. Yeah, go ahead and be the next person to call me a hippie.
And now, I'm back with my family in the South for an extended visit where things should be more peaceful from my full on life in New York City. I'm not in a house with close to 20 people sleeping on a bunk bed. For the most part, I can do whatever I want, see whatever I want, be whoever I want. Freedom restored (although I never lost it, just sacrificed for a while) amidst people who deeply love me and understand me. I don't know how to express this next part well, except to say that lately life here has been challenging. My core seems to be shaken. I've wondered if I were out of touch with reality, suffering from culture shock, or just beginning to come to terms with not wanting things I've desired throughout a lot of my life. Is this me just seeing things that irk me more clearly? I mean, how does one go from wanting kids so badly to thinking maybe I really don't want kids at all and thinking maybe I need to get over my abhorrence to online dating so I can finally go on a first date and get a boyfriend to accomplish the whole kids thing.
I'm sad to say that I see what's above most clearly when I'm around my gorgeous and brilliant nieces. I've always been the aunt who came in and out of their lives because we've lived in separate places most of the time. Thankfully, early on in their lives, my younger sister (their mom) and our mom showed them pictures of me, talked about me, and helped me be in their lives even from a distance. At present, I'm nearly thirty-two while they're nearly eight and six. They are so full of energy and almost always seem to be touching me especially when we're traveling together. I like physical touch, but their's just seems to always annoy me, hurt me accidentally, or significantly distract me. I don't want to be frustrated with them, distance myself, or not show them love, especially Christ's love, and in all honesty, feel like I've been failing in this during my time with them so far. I pray Christ intervenes soon ... because ... I sure do need the help as I grasp for the answers.
When I was flying from England to Canada and eventually the USA, there was one core sense in my spirit that this is the start of something new for me. I still don't know what all that means. With the current internal, personal struggles I'm going through and my awareness of a lack of selflessness, I believe that part of the evolving me is to become a more selfless person ... which in my mind ... always involves sacrifice of some kind. And right now, I have some very good examples of this kind of love. I've seen it in my daddy, my step-mom, my mama, and my step-dad in recent days. It blows me away. In some ways, it is the answer to prayers, the gut feelings becoming reality. It is overwhelmingly humbling.
About four hours have passed since I nearly wrapped up these thoughts, and in that time, some very interesting things happened. I went with my nieces to their last Awana night, a club they have at their church. As I walked in the doors with them, I shared with my mom how I was considering adopting my mindset in Spain —— laugh and let it go rather than getting frustrated. The time with them let me put how they act in perspective visually ... and so ... I feel a bit like a dope when I report that given the context of the other children, my nieces, well, are behaving completely normal. I'm glad these thoughts didn't get finished hours ago ... because ... I can see now that I really needed to have my perspective refreshed, my personality challenged, my soul calmed and warmed up greatly with shared laughter and joy tonight with two delightful gifts, my beloved nieces. I feel a bit of hope restored, but I admit, I've got a long ways to go at this whole selfless thing. So help me God, and chisel me along the way into Your likeness. Amen.
Friday, December 10, 2010
My Tongue Prayer
So the following was on my door when I moved to The Bronx. Not sure why it was there, but very, very appropriate and needed especially in regards to my lonely and trying relationship with my two current roommates. I would like to say 2010 has been a good year, but it's honestly been pretty awful for myself, close friends, and family. The following was written by Stormie Omartian and is adapted from The Power of a Praying Parent.
I pray that I will choose to use speech that glorifies You. Fill my heart with Your Spirit and Your truth so that what overflows from my mouth will be words of life and not death. Put a monitor over my mouth so that every temptation to use profane, negative, cruel, hurtful, uncaring, unloving, or compassionless language would pierce my spirit and make me feel uncomfortable. I pray that obscene or foul language be so foreign to me that if words like that ever do find their way through my lips they will be like gravel in my mouth, and I will be repulsed by them. Help me to hear myself so that words don't come out carelessly or thoughtlessly.
Keep me from being snared by the words of my mouth. You've promised that "whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." (Proverbs 21:23) Help me to put a guard over my mouth and keep far away from adversity. Your Word says that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21) May I speak life and not death. May I be quick to listen and slow to speak so that my speech will always be seasoned with grace and mercy. Equip me to know how, what, and when to speak to anyone in any situation. Enable me to always speak words of hope, health, encouragement, and life, and to resolve that my mouth will not sin.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
James 1:2-5
These verses sum up my circumstances. More roadblocks have recently cropped up in my path here in The Bronx. This is all while my closest friends are going through numerous struggles that are equally painful and distressing. Simply put, it is quite disheartening. I only know to pray and ask God for wisdom to know how to help my friends through these difficult times and for wisdom to know what his perfect, winding, somewhat elusive plan is for me now. I do not know if I will get to teach again in NYC through no wrongdoing on my part. I choose to accept that God has allowed this to give me time to prepare to move to Astoria and have much more peaceful days here. I am very grateful for both.
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