Call it all ramblings. This is me sitting down to merely express what's on my mind without really editing, just ... straight ... typing ... out thoughts.
I sit here thinking about how it's been just over two weeks since I got back from Europe. Six months in Europe. Six hard and life-changing months. Always tired. Battling culture. Seeing God do miracles frequently in my life and the life of others. Amazing stuff really. Through that time, I thought it was just from the stress of a life where you live and work with the same people 24-7, 6.5 days per week, a chaotic, messy, grueling, down-in-the-trenches, never-ending cacophony of sounds that a particular personality trait of mine kept being nudged to the surface. A lack of selflessness. I was wrong. For I have this quality rise up again ... and it bugs me.
I think most people would characterize me as very selfless, a fairly constant putting others first. Many have wondered when I made, in fact, any time for me because I always seem to be helping others so much or serving somehow. I admit, I do genuinely enjoy serving and helping others. I want to make the world a better place. I value peace and love and the example of Christ. Yeah, go ahead and be the next person to call me a hippie.
And now, I'm back with my family in the South for an extended visit where things should be more peaceful from my full on life in New York City. I'm not in a house with close to 20 people sleeping on a bunk bed. For the most part, I can do whatever I want, see whatever I want, be whoever I want. Freedom restored (although I never lost it, just sacrificed for a while) amidst people who deeply love me and understand me. I don't know how to express this next part well, except to say that lately life here has been challenging. My core seems to be shaken. I've wondered if I were out of touch with reality, suffering from culture shock, or just beginning to come to terms with not wanting things I've desired throughout a lot of my life. Is this me just seeing things that irk me more clearly? I mean, how does one go from wanting kids so badly to thinking maybe I really don't want kids at all and thinking maybe I need to get over my abhorrence to online dating so I can finally go on a first date and get a boyfriend to accomplish the whole kids thing.
I'm sad to say that I see what's above most clearly when I'm around my gorgeous and brilliant nieces. I've always been the aunt who came in and out of their lives because we've lived in separate places most of the time. Thankfully, early on in their lives, my younger sister (their mom) and our mom showed them pictures of me, talked about me, and helped me be in their lives even from a distance. At present, I'm nearly thirty-two while they're nearly eight and six. They are so full of energy and almost always seem to be touching me especially when we're traveling together. I like physical touch, but their's just seems to always annoy me, hurt me accidentally, or significantly distract me. I don't want to be frustrated with them, distance myself, or not show them love, especially Christ's love, and in all honesty, feel like I've been failing in this during my time with them so far. I pray Christ intervenes soon ... because ... I sure do need the help as I grasp for the answers.
When I was flying from England to Canada and eventually the USA, there was one core sense in my spirit that this is the start of something new for me. I still don't know what all that means. With the current internal, personal struggles I'm going through and my awareness of a lack of selflessness, I believe that part of the evolving me is to become a more selfless person ... which in my mind ... always involves sacrifice of some kind. And right now, I have some very good examples of this kind of love. I've seen it in my daddy, my step-mom, my mama, and my step-dad in recent days. It blows me away. In some ways, it is the answer to prayers, the gut feelings becoming reality. It is overwhelmingly humbling.
About four hours have passed since I nearly wrapped up these thoughts, and in that time, some very interesting things happened. I went with my nieces to their last Awana night, a club they have at their church. As I walked in the doors with them, I shared with my mom how I was considering adopting my mindset in Spain —— laugh and let it go rather than getting frustrated. The time with them let me put how they act in perspective visually ... and so ... I feel a bit like a dope when I report that given the context of the other children, my nieces, well, are behaving completely normal. I'm glad these thoughts didn't get finished hours ago ... because ... I can see now that I really needed to have my perspective refreshed, my personality challenged, my soul calmed and warmed up greatly with shared laughter and joy tonight with two delightful gifts, my beloved nieces. I feel a bit of hope restored, but I admit, I've got a long ways to go at this whole selfless thing. So help me God, and chisel me along the way into Your likeness. Amen.
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