Tired I am --- deliriously tired --- as I sit and write these ramblings. I am incredibly lonely now with great unsatiable desire. Perhaps I am too tired to get this all out ... BUT I am hoping that my writing will be my necessary "emotional release" (as my mama called it tonight).
My heart feels so incredibly shattered now. I am beginning to cry again. Already cried myself to sleep today; perhaps I will have to bear that painful burden again in about an hour as I try to rest with an already weary heart. I miss laughing with my friend Josh. By most people's standards, I think they'd only call him an acquaintance, but I proudly call him friend because of the laughter that only he has ever been able to evoke out of me. I have laughed more and harder with him than with anyone else in my life. Now he is mad at me, and he won't talk to me.
He is not the only friend that has walked out on me since coming back to America this August. I have lost two dear friends. They were friends that I could talk to for hours. They made me smile ... and now ... I cry as I think of what has been lost from my life. I desperately want them to decide to walk back into my life ... but that is not my choice to make; they will have to make that decision. It hurts so badly now. It has hurt throughout my day today. I cannot change things, and yeah I made mistakes along the way with them ... BUT oh, what a heart I have, a heart that will not simply be free of pain because I care deeply for them both.
Maybe you are like me. Maybe you are not. I don't know. What I do know is that I am highly empathetic. I hurt when you are hurting, making bad choices, or struggling in life. I am sobbing again. Perchance I hurt more than you actually hurt when you are going through the above. It is rough on me sometimes because of the empathy. My friend Miki puts in a beautiful way, a way that I will remember for life. He says it's like I have "sensitive hands", hands which feel every little thing and gets troubled by things that others are too callused to feel or simply don't care about because they can't "feel" it.
I know right now in all my teary-eyed ramblings, that I am emotionally weary at the moment. I am tired of people not being connected with me on the level that I have always desired deep within. I am tired too of people walking out of my life. If you want to know how to love me best, then PLEASE spend time with me and talk with me. Those are the best gifts you could ever give me. So when, you're distracted while I'm talking with and thus, you're not giving me your full attention ... well, then, you're not really giving me those gifts. And when you shut me out your life, you have no idea what pain you have caused to ripple through me.
I do not currently know when this all pain will go away or when I can be free of it. For me, part of my mind tells me that if I am free of it, then I am not caring for you and loving you on the level that I feel is necessary. I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt people; I want to love them and I am committed to do my best to love you and learn to love this year. It is a promise I wholeheartedly intend on resolutely keeping.
My heart is weary too because I want to get married. I know God loves me very much ... and He and His strength have gotten me through this rough week, yet, I find myself lacking full contentment. I used to think I'd be single for the rest of my life, and I was honestly okay with that. Now, especially today and yesterday I have cried my head off because I would love to have cried myself into the chest of my husband and he hugged me and just held me to try and console me even if he didn't have a clue what was going on and why I was crying. I long for him to complete me and have deep, intellectual conversations. I long for him to make me laugh and play with my hair and be gentle with me. I long for us to travel together and share the Gospel together. Perhaps I long most of all for intimacy with him (not sex) but really getting on that deepest of deep levels with at least one person in my life like I pined for for so long. It seems this unsatiable desire is about to crush me.
Well, I don't know if I sound really mopey or not. I am just writing what comes from my heart now ... and here I go crying again. I wish somebody would hug me now. I'm so tired and really need lots of super restful sleep. I am honestly surprised at how well I wrote this considering my level of loopyness due to lack of sleep for nearly a week now. I don't really know what else to say, and yet, ironically I don't want to stop writing. I hope I haven't depressed anybody, and if I have, please forgive me.
Later guys and gals --- Amanda Kay : /
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