Current mood: 
Written Oct 12 - Nov 2, 2008:
You many want to call it something different, but I am in the midst of a paradigm shift. It seems that lately my brain and heart are always so full, that my cup is on the verge of spilling out or rather plunging forth. The dilemma still remains within, and it is extremely pressing and taxing on multiple levels, of who am I going to be and am I going to be okay with the new me? The latter, being okay with the new me, is definitely the more troublesome battle.
New York City is HOME, yet it and its way of life come at me like an unrelenting adversary picking at my every weakness in attempts to topple and behead me. Living here these mere six weeks has already exposed me to so many things on a very personal level that at times are extremely uncomfortable, emotionally draining, and culturally revealing. The best way I know of putting it now is that I often feel that I am in the midst of a mammoth wave trying to surf but can only occasionally master staying above water as the surging tide continues to ripple over, under, and past me. At times, life here also compels helplessness and hopelessness to come forth drawing me into a dismal existence and state of mind.
One of the things I am struggling with is, simply put, expanding exponentially with no end in sight my comfort zone. In a way, this expansion of self is an answer to a nearly nine-month old prayer. I think I needed to ask that prayer months ago, but it is decidedly different to be on the receiving end of such prayer now; it is like studying Chinese culture versus living in China long-term. Sometimes, intellectual knowledge just doesn't cut it without experiential knowledge. I feel such is now. This expansion is also having the peculiar effect of making me feel lonely and mournful as I realize that the old me is definitely dying.
In these six weeks one new entry into my comfort zone has been gay culture. Before I moved here, I knew NYC had a major homosexual population and presence, but even still, I didn't expect it to penetrate my life so quickly. Many of my new friends and acquaintances are gay, and I see that trend likely continuing. This is okay but will take some getting used to; life in the Bible Belt doesn't prepare you well for this I'd say. Do I want gay culture to go away? My answer is "no," but I realize that it is very uncomfortable for me to be near guys expressing homo-affection. I must not continue to turn my head though.
By far, the greatest effect of NYC upon me is the draining effect. I have been emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally drained in a steady intensity during this time. My experience trying to get a pay check and reciprocity with DOE have by far been the hardest (actually frustrating, depressing, and angry describe it more accurately) followed closely by continually being highly disrespected by most of my students. I am often treated like crap here. Naturally, I have cried and cried to the point that twice now I've simply been physically exhausted from crying. Mentally my head is pretty much always forced to take in new information and experiences daily which leaves me feeling mentally overloaded. To some degree, that is to be expected because our brains don't just sit on new info, but just imagine everything you saw, experienced, smelt, and heard being NEW info for your brain to process. Such is life for me now in NYC for the most part.
Like it or not, each of us goes into our experiences with a prior cultural background. My roughly two months here has been extremely culturally revealing. In comparison to NYC, my life elsewhere was extremely sheltered. Now the world and pretty much anything and everything are before me. At times, I feel completely ignorant and feel as though that is glaringly obvious for those with me at the time.
Here in NYC, I stand out with my accent, my worldview, my color and race, and my clothing choice, just to name a few. I am definitely not fully acculturized to inner city living or teaching, and I know that my "country-ness" is already a hindrance in more than one way. At other times, it simply shocks my inner city acclimated friends. For instance, about two weeks ago, I was walking down the street after seeing a play on incest, homosexuality, and life in NYC. My path happened across a guy smoking pot on the sidewalk. Now my friends and I were engaged in conversation, but the instant I walked by the guy, I had such difficulty not laughing and focusing on our conversation. My friends were shocked when I told that that was the first time I'd ever seen with my own eyes someone smoking pot and how shocked I was that the guy looked at me with such a willingness to share his weed if only I'd have asked for it. My friends simply could not believe that I was 28 seeing someone smoke pot on the street for the first time!
Part of living in NYC teaches me new words like "violate," "shife," "fiend," "hot mess," and "beastin." Funny enough I used one of those words last week, and it came out naturally much to the amusement of my friend Marvin. I will have to learn so much more. I am honestly at the point where I don't know who I am becoming. I just know that I'm already not the same Amanda that I left Florida as. I am challenged by my job and Marvin to become less passive, to stand up for myself and call kids out even if it embarrasses them and/or demeans them, and to examine my views and change at least some of my ideals, priorities, and standards.
For me this last part really came to the forefront about three weeks ago when I had a conversation with Marvin. As Marvin talked I couldn't help but think of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 about being all things to all kinds of people for the Gospel and salvation's sake. Lately that has been coupled with verses nine through twenty-one of Romans 12. I feel very challenged by God to love, stay/be zealous especially spiritually, be joyful, patient, prayerful, and forgiving no matter how I am treated. I can honestly say that forgiveness at work has been particularly difficult. Sometimes, I feel like God has failed me here and wonder what He's trying to teach me through these trials and however long I live in NYC. It is so completely wrong of me to think that of God; forgive me Lord. I really need to be so much more thankful for all that God has done for me here and to persevere knowing that He is always faithful and has only good in store for me.
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