For about two weeks now, I have been reflecting on the past year’s greatest change within myself. It was this time about a year ago that I started having internal, emotional conflicts with a very dear friend. I reached out to another friend for help and an unbiased perspective. How grateful I am now for that conflict and for my two very dear friends!
What began then and continued this past weekend was the awaking of a deeper love for others within me. I had a love for others a year ago, but along the way it got tainted with self and had come to harm a lot of people along the way. My heart’s desire was for people to abandon themselves to the ways of God and to reflect his likeness in ALL of their being. I wasn’t seeing that ... and so I was trying to encourage them to be like Abba. What mostly resulted though was increased anger and resentment at me. I don’t know if this will be understandable or not, but for me, my motivation was that I truly wanted people to be like Jesus and knew how much it pained me when I saw them sinning and in turn hurting my beloved Jesus.
Well, I was really convicted when my friend lovingly and with seeming pain in his eyes gently delivered the shattering blow. For me, he did really shatter my world at that moment, but my world needed to be shattered and remade. What he told me was that it hurt him to see me hurting others. He knew that I was trying to love them, but that my efforts were actually hurting them. I knew he was right, but for a bit, I tried to actually run from facing those words. Funny thing is, he was not the first to tell me so, but he was the precious one Abba used to change me.
I can honestly say that after that conversation, my ability to love and understand love grew. It blossomed in ways that I could never have dreamed of. It helped me experience things this summer that I am confident that I would have previously turned my nose up at. Abba, my dear Love, was even more gracious in bringing in new friends that were so different from my past. I too would never have sought out relationships with them in the past if not for the new seed of love working its way deeply into my heart. I am very grateful for these relationships and this new understanding of love as I will need it especially for what God is preparing and calling me to next in life.
Well, this past weekend I had a delighful opportunity to be a part of a retreat called Tres Dias. It is intense in lots of good ways and helped me to see even more of my true self and be convicted to go even deeper on this journey to love others with the love of Christ. He is helping me to love with joy and sacrifice. He is reminding of what is truly important in life and letting me pour my all into those people or things. He is my constant, steadfast Lover even when I fail. My heart is deeply set upon going even further in this journey and seeing those seeds of love grow into mighty trees.
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